into the worst week of your life:

1. And this is important: Make sure your husband hyperextends his knee in a really, really rough ocean. It's important that the surf nearly drown him and you have to run down the beach and pull him from the water so he is frightened by both the injury and his near-near death experience.

2. Visit the only ER in Maui on a Sunday night, where you'll be told that the wait is 6+ hours and you'll almost definitely get the horrible flu that seems to be tearing across the island, judging by the number of miserable people in said ER. Allow your spouse to talk you into leaving after 2 hours.

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3. Make sure the injury happens early enough in the trip that it ruins pretty much every plan you made, costing you not only the joy of the experiences but also several non-refundable charges.

4. Spend several days stuck in a hotel room while your partner moans in pain, yet refuses to go back to the ER.

5. Watch hour after hour of Seth McFarlane show because your injured partner ONLY wants to watch Comedy Central and he's the one who's injured. Grit your teeth through all the racist and sexist jokes. Do this for 3 - 4 full days.

6. Enjoy the view of the beach, where others frolic, from both your balcony and the car as you drive out for food, medical supplies, etc. Note the people laughing and enjoying the beach. Return to more American Dad.

7. Get sick from the goddam flu that you knew you picked up in the ER.

8. Fly with a person on crutches, which is already super-fun and interesting and...

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9. Pray for delayed/canceled flights. If you pray hard enough, you might get to experience both a cancellation and a second delay in one day, you lucky dog! This could mean that you'll be awake and traveling for 30+ consecutive hours! Plus, with an injured spouse, you'll continue to enjoy all the benefits of listening to him moan and whine, running from counter to counter looking for ice, and dealing with multiple airline employees at each airport. Bonus: On average, 1/4 of those airline employees will be helpful!

10. Ask your closest/laziest friend to check on your cats and house. If you choose the right friend, you'll come home to:

  • Find 7 inches of snow everywhere, meaning your partner has to walk on crutches through snow and ice just to get into the house. Bonus: This also means that you'll get to shovel the snow, just to have a pizza delivered! For full effect, make sure it's -23 with windchill and the sun's gone down already!
  • Find some used litter emptied into your kitchen garbage but NOT taken out, along with litterboxes somehow still full of feces and urine, leaving your house smelling like cat shit.
  • Find cat shit stuck on the basement wall (?!???!!!?!?!) and not cleaned up.
  • Find 3 separate puddles of cat vomit left to dry on 2 different rugs!

You know how people say, "I need a vacation after my vacation, HAR HAR HAR HAR!" Those people have no. fucking. clue.

Today, I get to clean up barf and litter, try to evacuate the shit smell from my house, unpack, do all the laundry, get Homey to the doc, grocery shop, and cook, not to mention tend to him. I'm so fucking tired, you guys.