(humongous fucking TW for EXTREME transphobia, EXTREME homophobia, EXTREME Monoracialism, and EXTREME CAPSLOCK)

So I'm on the train, headed to a BD/sM event, thinking about how very stressed I am and how I just want a good ass-whooping and maybe a good fuck to release all this tension when I see this extremely tall woman. She is really pretty: light caramel skin, short cropped black hair, very thin, with a delightfully androgynous fashion sense. I wonder if she's a model. Next to her were a group of black guys being kind of loud and obnoxious. I didn't hear what they were saying, but it's a Saturday night in New York so I don't pay them much mind. Then the woman starts speaking to the men and one of them starts replying and there's this increasingly tense exchange that gets half the car to look. Turns out the guys were speculating on the woman's gender right in front of her. They thought she wouldn't notice because she had headphones on but apparently she caught them and was telling them off. I was rooting for her, but concerned about her safety and considered offering her my seat- but it seemed like she was holding her own.

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At the next stop, after this woman left one man continued to yell to his friends and the entire car about trans women or, as he liked to call them, boys who try to look like girls. "YOU CAN'T TELL THESE DAYS," he said. "SHE LOOKED LIKE A BOY. SHE HAD NO CURVES AND WAS 6'2'' AND HAD BIG OLE' MONSTER HANDS!"

A woman across the car yelled back "I COULD TELL SHE WAS A GIRL. HER HANDS WERE LONG BUT THEY WEREN'T BIG. YOU JUST WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION. YOU CAN TELL."

He continued "THEY TRY TO DRESS LIKE GIRLS WITH THEIR FAKE TITTIES AND WEAVE AND THEN YOU TAKE THEM HOME AND FIND OUT THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A DICK BIGGER THAN YOURS AND THEN YOU HAVE TO KILL THEM! AND THEN I'D END UP ON 'THE FIRST 48!!!'" He kept saying this last part over and over, like he was a bad stand-up comic trying to hammer home a punchline, AND A GOOD FOURTH OF THE CAR WAS BUSTING OUT LAUGHING. My mouth hung open in shock.

"NOW I'M NOT HOMOPHOBIC, BUT-"

It was then that my brain shorted out. I yelled at him "YOU THINK JOKING ABOUT MURDERING PEOPLE IS FUNNY?!" but the train was packed and there were so many people laughing nobody except the people on either side of me heard anything.

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"-BUT IF YOU GAY YOU SHOULD REVEAL YOURSELF! DON'T BE WEARING THESE WEAVES AND THESE FAKE TITTIES, CUZ' IF I TAKE YOU HOME AND START FUCKING YOU AND FIND OUT YOU'RE A MAN I CAN'T LET YOU LIVE. THEY'LL BE GOING BACK TO THEY FRIENDS AND SAYING 'OOH, GURL I HAD HIM LAST NIGHT' AND I CAN'T LET THAT SHIT GET OUT! I'LL KILL YOU AND THEN YOU'LL SEE ME ON 'THE FIRST 48'! GOD MADE ADAM AND EVE NOT ADAM AND STEVE!"

Even more people were laughing. I was shaking and muttering fuck you stanky-ass- rat-bastard/ nobody wants your stanky ass anyway/ joking about murdering people howdareyou!"

"THAT GAY MARRIAGE SHIT, IF I SEE OBAMA IMMA SLAP HIM IN IS FACE! HE JUST A MIXED BREED ANYWAY!"

This one didn't even sting, I was already so numb. My stop was coming and all I wanted was to get off that car. The woman yelled again "THAT WASN'T OBAMA, IT WAS CONGRESS-CONGRESS DID IT!

The doors opened and I forced my way out through the sea of people. As soon as I got to the train station I texted a friend in all caps about what happened. I was shaking.

I'm not writing this for a cookie. This isn't supposed to be a tale of "poor Korra," because most of what that man said wasn't about me. It was mostly about a few of my friends, many of my customers, and all trans people who commit the unforgivable sin of existing. Nobody deserves to be murdered or assaulted, nobody deserves to feel like their lives are threatened by just walking onto the wrong train car. Nobody should have to walk around listening to people who think the murder of your comrades is funny. Yet, here we are: a city where someone will publicly joke about murdering you and others will cheer.

***********************

P.S. In case you were wondering about the party: I hadn't planned on drinking, but as soon as I got to the party I downed a tequila, grateful to be in a space where people feel freer to be who they are and all violence is consensual. Then I got my ass whooped and made out with someone and he spanked me again, but this spanking brought up so many feelings I had to excuse myself and run to the bathroom and sob. The guy was new so he didn't know about aftercare, and my tears surprised and embarrassed me, so I like him a lot, but I don't know if I can see him again. I don't think I'm ready. Then on the way home I bought a huge bag of chips and stress-ate half of them. So in other words, this week has been extremely rough.

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