...I hate hounds.

All hounds. Any hound. It really doesn’t matter. If it is classified as a hound dog, I am probably going to hate it. Every hound I have ever met has been conniving, sneaky, loud, and just overall a pain in the ass.

Example 1: Sammy the beagle

Beagles are evil geniuses. They routinely rank in the bottom percentile of intelligence tests, but not because they’re dumb. They understand you completely; they just don’t care to listen to you. They have zero desire to please you, and would rather come up with creative ways to steal food off of counter tops that their stumpy legs prevent them from reaching.

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This particular beagle has caused me more stress than any other dog I owned. Beagles are known for bolting out the front door, and a few times Sammy would be lost in the neighborhood for a few hours because he decided he just didn’t like living with us anymore. One time he joined the next door neighbors for dinner by hopping on their dining room table and eating their food.

Speaking of food, I can’t tell you how many times we wondered if he was going to die because of the stuff he decided to steal. Notable items include an entire bar of baking chocolate, and my muscle relaxers. SPOILER ALERT: the dog is still alive, somehow.

Also, there is no uglier sound than a beagle barking. And they bark at everything. They are basically bugles.

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They are lucky that they are very cute and very, very sweet. I have never met a mean beagle in my life.

Example 2: Ellie the Rhodesian ridgeback

Eight years ago my mother decided to make her dream of owning a Rhodesian ridgeback real, and spent a ton of money on a beautiful, pedigreed puppy.

Unfortunately, the Rhodesian ridgeback is basically a neurotic beagle that’s tall enough to reach the counter tops. Despite all of my mom’s hard work on training her, Ellie is completely food-driven, and the first thing she does upon entering the house is scopes out the kitchen for any food that might be within her reach.

Rhodesian ridgebacks are also known as “lion hounds” because they were once used to keep lions at bay. So every time Ellie does a mad dash to nip at my hand before prancing away (and my god, does this dog prance), I like to remind her that I am not a lion and that she does not need to keep me at bay. Then she will look at me with her pretty amber eyes that seem to say, “yeah, I’m not really convinced. I’m gonna bite you again.”

Example 3: Macie the redbone coonhound

Okay, just look at that face. That look should pretty much tell you everything you need to know about this dog. This is the face of a dog that kept me up all night long last night because there was a kitty in the next room that she wanted to be introduced to. And by “introduced to,” I mean, “ohmygodthere’saKITTY! I need to chase it and chase it and then sniff it after I back it into a corner!”

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All. Night. Long. At no point in the night did she forget about the kitty, but she was happy to whine and claw at the door just in case *I* forgot there was a kitty out there.

Macie owes me a cup of coffee. But is she going to pay up? No, because not only are hounds the worst dogs ever, they generally don’t have paying jobs because they’re bums.

I miss my pit bulls.