I have strong opinions on the Great Gatsby, but I have not read either the book nor seen the movie. Let's be honest here, I'm barely literate. But based on the movie trailers, book covers, and people who have said they LOVE the Great Gatsby without disclosing any information about the story or why they care about it, I am prepared to write my review.

The Great Gatsby is about a fancy guy that has sweet parties with all his fancy friends in... New York? Yes. Let's say New York. World War I or the depression are going on, based on the cars I see, but everyone is having a fucking swell time because the Great Gatsby is probably a wealthy magician? There are fireworks and ladies in shiny dresses.

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Things take a dramatic turn when the Great Gatsby falls for a young woman who is not impressed with his magic, no matter how many white tigers he has. More fancy balls follow, but she is probably with some guy like a bearded moonshiner from the hills, and they laugh at Gatsby's fancy clothes.

The Great Gatsby goes to the midwest and cures the dust bowl by projecting his magic tears across the entire country, fertilizing the land with his unrequited love for, um, her name is probably Zooey.

The Great Gatsby returns home to New York a hero where he is given the key to the city, but Zooey is not at the party. She got married to that moonshiner and she had a baby named Geetch and their lives are terrible. Gatsby has fancy parties every night till the day he dies, a hollow man.

I give this Movie/book/story 11 top hats out of forty.