UPDATE: Things are a bit better

I had wrote him a letter that I left in his mailbox. He got back to me today. He didn’t expect for things to be over when he came over to talk to me. He was shocked when I asked him to leave. He has very little experience with relationships, I have a lot of negative experience with relationships, we both communicate our needs poorly. So we’re going to talk next week. I feel a bit hopeful - if not for reconciliation then at least some discussion instead of just “Bam, we’re over”. Thanks for all your messages.

I’m staring into the abyss of extreme loneliness for the next few months and I don’t think I can do it.  

Background:

Some of you may know, I suffer from major depression. For the past two or so years, it’s been at bay, and the past 9 months, being in a relationship really helped.

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But now, I’m looking down the next few months, and I don’t think I can do it. Some of you also know that I swing dance, but for various reasons (mostly do to being treated like crap for YEARS by people) I decided to take a break, because hey, I had a boyfriend that loved me - I could spend time with him and nuture our relationship for a few months (I’m a teacher, I have the summer off).

I’m looking towards 3 months of unstructured time where I thought that I would be spending it with someone I love. But now, it’s back to how it was before him- loneliness central and i don’t think I can do it. Most of my (good) friends are married, far away or preoccupied with their kids. My family sucks. Therapy doesn’t really help anymore (because social isolation was always a big factor, something I confirmed after being with someone for the last little bit, and therapy doesn’t help with that).

I’m good at putting myself out there, usually. The problem has always been that I’m the social organizer, and so once I started dating my ex, since I wasn’t initiating a bunch of stuff anymore, a lot of my social outings/projects stopped happening for the most part. I don’t have it in me to start organizing again, to be the one constantly trying to bring people together. It’s exhausting and I’m just already exhausted.

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I’m afraid that I won’t make it the 3 months until my job starts again. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid.