So, we told my in-laws that I’m pregnant last night. They are thrilled. They also managed to mention that we shouldn’t have waited this long. (They don’t know we’ve been trying for 3 years, because they have told us repeatedly how selfish we were for not giving them grandchildren yet.)

Other things that they said:

1. Not to name it Brad, Steve, Joshua, or Peter if it is a boy, because those names make boys gay. When I said that names don’t make people one sexuality or the other, and also if this kid is gay, that literally doesn’t matter to me, they rolled their eyes and said there’s no way that’s true.

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2. We aren’t allowed to put it in daycare. My husband said I can’t quit my job and neither can he (men don’t raise kids, Mr. Quagmire!), so of course we will. His mom started crying that we are so cruel to not use her for childcare. She doesn’t drive, doesn’t take her meds reliably, they both use lots of illegal drugs, smoke a pack a day each inside the house, and also they live 30 minutes away from our house and 45 minutes away from my work (90 minutes away from his), so there is literally no way using her for childcare makes even a little bit of sense.

3. Apparently my child is going to be a Marine and take over Iran. If I don’t let them train my child to become a killing machine (exact quote), they are going to kidnap him (because of course it’s a boy) and raise him right. I said making jokes like that is an excellent way to never meet your grandchild. Also, this is not a military family, so I don’t know what they think they can train him to do, or why it matters to them so much since they were livid when my brother-in-law briefly considered enlisting after 9/11.

4. If it’s a girl, they will have shotguns ready, she’s never allowed to marry, if she does, she’s not allowed to take his last name (I was a terrible person when I dragged my feet after our wedding about changing our name, and that was only for sheer laziness, so fuck their weird obsession with “a family name”), and also don’t have a girl because daughters are terrible. (They have no daughters, and I am a daughter with 2 sisters and we are fucking awesome so fuck them.)

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5. They are going to set up the “spare bedroom” (glorified walk-in closet) to be a nursery. My husband asked why. They said of course there needs to be a crib and a changing table and rocker and whatever the fuck else goes in a nursery in what is currently their weed room. This kid will never be spending the night at their house. Ever. Not ever. We were like, “don’t waste your money.” They will. We were like, “if you want to spend money, start a college fund.” Apparently, since it’s related to them, it won’t need an education. It will be so smart, and defeat everyone in the middle East single handedly without any formal education.

But they were happy. So there’s that, I guess.