I'm just really frustrated, and I have been for a long time.
I'll preface this by saying that quite honestly I'm not looking to jump into a majorly serious relationship. My life is in flux right now. It's very likely that I'll be moving away to a new college in the next year. I don't believe that even thinking about marriage is in the cards for me until I'm at least in graduate school or beyond. I'm extremely focused on accomplishing things that I want for myself. All of that being said, fuck, I am so lonely.
I have taken tons of time to be completely alone, to heal from bad experiences, and learn to be content just hanging out with me. I am. I greatly value my alone time, the friendship that I have with myself, and I see how much I've grown from abstaining from dating for awhile. But now, I just want to have a happy, healthy, positive dating experience. It feels like it's been a long string of abuse and heartbreak for the past 5 years. I'm not trying to paint myself as a victim, I know I wasn't always perfect to boys that I dated, but I have tried my hardest to take care of myself first so that then I can give what's necessary to the people around me. I'm a good person. I genuinely care for others. I'm generous with my time and affection. I'm smart and driven, and people can count on me. I just get sucked into that lie that everyone else around me that's partnered up is somehow so much happier, and I put up with way too much shit from people I date.
My relationships in my late teens/early 20's were basically all abusive, physically, emotionally, and otherwise. I put up with it out of codependency and a crippling fear of being alone. I don't feel like that now. I feel strong and capable. But, I want someone who has their shit together, is kind, introspective, and can handle themselves. I'm so tired of people who aren't over their exes from years previous. I'm so tired of people who won't be emotionally available, or expect me to babysit all of their feelings, or are held back by fear. I'm so tired of having all of these gendered expectations laid on me. I'm tired of doing all the work. I'm tired of people putting in the bare minimum and expecting a gold medal. Is there anything more than this, though? I want some hope that it will be different.
I need some hope that things are going to be better than this someday.