In case you were wondering what that green part of the street is, it is a bike lane...for bikes!

[Picture Source: TransitMiami]

That's right...it's FOOOOOOOOOOOR. BIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES!!! Why do we get special lanes? FOR OURS AND EVERYONE ELSE'S SAFETY!!! Also, bike lanes relieve traffic congestion!

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This bike lane is very special - it's a protected bike lane, meaning it's designed to keep us safe from cars.

However, not all bike lanes are green...sometimes, they're the same color as the road!

I know, right? You're probably wondering "WOW, then how am I supposed to know it's a bike lane?" Well, you know those white stripes on the road? Those are called "lane lines" and sometimes, within these lane lines is a GIANT symbol of someone riding a bike. Believe it or not, that symbol means that THIS LANE IS. FOR. BIKES!

Source: Brooklyn Cruiser

Now that you know what bike lanes are for, here's a list of things that they are NOT for, in no particular order:

  • Parking
  • Standing (meaning leaving your car there with the emergency lights on while you go get donuts or something)
  • Related to above, making deliveries - sorry, UPS, but your "Safety First" sign on your truck means JACK SHIT when you're standing in the bike lane...
  • Dropping off passengers
  • Picking up passengers
  • Hailing a cab
  • Jogging - not sure if you guys heard, but we have these things called parks and in many of these parks are jogging paths JUST. FOR. YOU! If we rode our bikes in them, you would raise holy hell, but we're supposed to put up with you using what little space we have for bikes for your marathon training or whatever?
  • Walking...as an aside, I'm AMAZED at how many pedestrians I see walking in bike lanes with their children in tow...sorry, but you're going to have to settle for pushing your SUV-like stroller on the sidewalk...
  • Riding on a scooter, skateboard, rollerblades, and anything other than a bicycle...I know I know, you're the FASTEST and BADDEST scooter-er/skateboarder/rollerblader alive, but you're no match for a bike and you're therefore putting yourself and cyclists in danger by riding in our lane...If you want to do these wheeled activities, go to the park or something...
  • Teaching little Johnny how to ride his bike...I know I know, these lanes are designated for bikes, but would you give little Johnny his first driving lesson on the West Side Highway? If your answer is "no," then why would you put him and other cyclists at risk by teaching him how to pedal in a bike lane in New York City?

But Cyclist, I seriously don't give a shit about your hippie pro-bike agenda...you have to be a crazy person to ride your bike here, so you should be willing to accept the risks...thus, this issue does not directly affect me and it is therefore not my concern...now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna order some SEAMLESSSSSS!!!

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STOP. RIGHT. THERE. You're seriously telling me that increasing bike safety is of no concern to you, yet you regularly order food delivery? Did you ever wonder how your food gets there? No, not a magic carpet. Try again...Give up?

Almost every time. you order. delivery. in New York City. it gets there. via. A GUY. ON. A BIKE!!!

I know, right? Shocking...

So please, New Yorkers, would you be so kind as to NOT abuse our bike lanes? We have very little space reserved specifically for us, while you motorists have GRILLIONS of miles of road for you to drive on and you pedestrians have GRILLIONS of miles of sidewalk for you to walk, jog, and play on.

If you all can manage to find the right train to take to work every morning and walk and chew gum at the same time, you're perfectly capable of NOT being in the bike lane when you're NOT riding a bike.

But Cyclist, you bikeassholes disobey traffic laws all the time...like, you run red lights and stuff...

First of all, fuck those guys...they do not represent me! I don't want to die any more than you do, so I always stop for red lights and stop signs...Second of all, um, yeah, hokay, so some of us don't obey traffic laws sometimes, but that DOESN'T MEAN that you should obstruct our bike lanes! WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE no matter how hard you try to block us out of our lanes...

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TL;DR: Unless you're riding a bicycle, you are NOT allowed in the bike lane, unless of course you WANT to incur the wrath of Bobby...

I'M WATCHING YOU, BISHES!!!