OK, full admission. I did not suddenly hit the jackpot and become a millionaire. You will not see me on the cover of the latest issue Fancy Pants Ass magazine flaunting my fabulous life or anything. I'm still dead ass broke, even moreso now that I have just purchased a jar of cream that I only can describe as 'BATSHITFUCKINGEXPENSIVE.'

What had happened was, see someone the night before decided they were done 'saving money' for 'bullshit' (like car repairs, a washer and dryer, food... you know. Bullshit.) And that person searched the Internet (and this was the exact keyword phrase used) for 'fancy shit face stuff.'

First off, DO NOT search that term. Ever.

Secondly, I don't know what the hell that even means. 'Fancy shit face stuff'? What, like a Bedazzled mask worn by the Elvish King or something?

But apparently, this triggered my bitter, drunken desire to get my hands on some La Mer cream.

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I have always been mystified by this La Mer stuff. We never really had anything like that in our house growing up. My mom would buy the big bottle of the generic 'lotion' at the grocery store once every few months. I think she used to loosen up the windows when they got stuck. Sometimes she would Jergens, which she called 'the good stuff.'

But forget Jergens, because apparently this La Mer stuff is the most 'coveted' beauty product in all the world!

Hollywood power couple Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are on the My Crème de la Mer Celebrity List as they both use the coveted La Mer.

Whoa. See, the 'coveted' La Mer. EVEN BRAD AND ANGELINA ARE ALL LIKE WHOA WE WANT THAT SHIT.

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OK, so maybe Brad and Angelia are just full of shit. Who knows. So lets see just what these people have to say for themselves about their 'coveted' product. What makes it so special, anyway?

THE MIRACLE: Even now, it is not entirely clear how Crème de la Mer works. [Holy Shit! They don't even know how the fuck it works!] For those schooled in logic, it is something of a jolt to the imagination. But facts are facts and certainly the proof can be seen on the faces of those who use it. In a short time, skin becomes softer, firmer, looks virtually creaseless. Aging lines and pores are noticeably less visible. Even the driest of complexions are healed. Sensitivities are soothed. And, of course, there are some who insist it has produced astonishing results, as Dr. Max Huber witnessed. No wonder many who have tried every cream available remain steadfast in their devotion to Crème de la Mer.

WOW, a 'beauty miracle.' Shit just got real.

But it's not just the company's own promotional page that proclaims its awesomeness! I remember seeing an interview with Victoria Beckham where she just went absolutely gaga talking about it, saying 'oooohhh David and I just smear this all over our faces every night; it is just the best!'

Can you imagine that scene in the Beckham home?

David: I'm ready for bed, Victoria.

Victoria: Me, too.

David: I love you, darling! You are beautiful, and a great mum and you are my best friend.

Victoria: Oh me too, David! You are a wonderful father and role model.

David: You're so sweet. Now, please smear my face with this thousand dollar jar of cream though, OK?

Victoria: Of course my darling, anything for you.

What a dream life, man. Nobody smears me with fancy lotion around here. Last night, LoniManderson fell asleep on the couch while he was playing some Xbox game. Because he wasn't in bed, the dog climbed into his side of the bed, crawled on top of my head and farted. Do you think Victoria Beckham has ever had a dog crawl on her head in the middle of the night and fart? No. Maybe, quite possibly, because of this miracle cream.

And I got me some on Amazon, y'all!

Anyway, here is a picture of the only bottle of La Mer I was able to afford on my budget, shown actual size:

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Can you see it? You may have to zoom in. I'm not sure Kinja can render to scale at that size. In case you are wondering, this isn't a 'sample size.' This is a 'You'd Be Better Off Just Rummaging Through A Rich Lady's Trash And Seeing If There's Maybe An Old Jar She Tossed Out That Still Has A Little Bit Left In It' size. When I tried to click 'gift wrap this' on my Amazon order, a little box popped up that said 'Seriously, what is the point?'

But whatever, haters! In 3-5 standard shipping days I AM GOING TO HAVE THE CREAM OF THE GODS. What will happen when I rub it on my skin? How will my life change forever? Will I still want to socialize with friends, family and close loved ones? And just how quickly will it launch my movie career? Will it be immediate or will I have through the weekend to bid farewell to my old life?

So many questions left to be answered.