So I’ve been single for just short of three months now. My ex and I were together for one year, but close friends for about six years. I actually felt like I was moving on and coping with the loss and pain pretty well up until recently. Now I feel like I’m back at square one.
The hardest part of this whole ordeal is that we both volunteer with a mental health nonprofit in the area. It’s how we met in the first place. It is work that is very meaningful to both of us, and I know us running into each other as a result is inevitable, because I don’t believe either of us is going to stop doing it entirely unless we move away from the area. That being said, I have taken a pretty big step back so that I can stick to my no-contact rule as much as possible and honor my boundaries while I’m trying to grieve and move past this. Another thing that sucks is that we go to the same university, I’m in an undergrad program and he’s doing his master’s in the same field. It’s a small department and I’m afraid there’s going to be overlap there as well. Hopefully this is a far fetched fear but I’m worried he’ll end up teaching one of the classes I need to finish my degree.
I had to call the home office of the nonprofit yesterday to tweak my schedule for this summer, and he was the one that picked up the phone. I guess he has picked up part time work there or something. I was speechless and hung up, it was a real gut punch considering we haven’t spoken in 10 weeks. Hearing his voice brought back a flood of memories and I’ve been pretty goddamn sad and angry since last night. I just want something to be mine in this, you know? I feel like the things that are the most dear to me, he’s got some kind of hold in and I hate that. And that makes me feel selfish in a way, because he’s entitled to his part of it too, and it just so happens that we study in the same field and have a lot of the same passions, which is of course a big part of what brought us together to begin with.
The thing is though, it seems like everyone we know mutually thinks he is some wonderful selfless giving guy with this huge heart and maybe that’s true on some level, but it wasn’t true with me. Anytime I needed even a little bit of support from him or even simple fucking acknowledgment, he would put it back on me and insinuate that I was needy or putting pressure on him. I’m talking like, I got violently ill on vacation once and he ignored me the entire time and left me to care for myself while I was completely bedridden. I had a bad spill of depression over the holidays, a reaction to a new medication I was on, he promised to call and check in with me every other day or so, and he didn’t do it. Not once. In fact, he dodged my calls for over a week. He didn’t get me a christmas gift, and he slow faded all the plans we’d had together. If this had been some dude I had been out with a few times, I probably would’ve been pissed but rolled my eyes and brushed it off and lost his number, but no, this was my BOYFRIEND of ten fucking months doing this to me. And this guy wants to be a mental health counselor, and he himself has struggled with depression for most of his life.
He told me on several occasions that I was his best friend in the entire world, and that he trusted me more than anyone, barring his mother. If I was his best friend, I seriously don’t get how he couldn’t even throw a scrap of care, affection, or even just basic acknowledgement my way, yet he could do tenfold that for complete strangers.
I want to be past this, because my heart was already so broken down and tired and I was so mentally, physically, and emotionally drained from being strung alone and giving way more of myself than I ever got by the time that we broke up, that I figured getting through this part would be a breeze. And it was, for the first month or so. I felt so happy and free. Now, I just feel like a twisted metal ball of anger and resentment and sadness again. It sucks when your community and your friends and colleagues look at your ex-partner as some wonderful saint, and you got to deal with the Mr. Hyde to his Dr. Jekyll. Sure, he’s got good qualities, it’s why I loved him. He’s also spoiled, entitled, self-centered, arrogant, and narcissistic, and conceals that very well publicly. He can care about other people and put up a good front as long as it’s making him look good. When it comes to actually being vulnerable and putting skin in the game, and sharing things intimately...he sucks ass.
I know I’m not without fault in this, I’m in therapy and dealing with the root causes of why I let this go on for so long and my tendencies towards rescuing and enabling, and putting my own needs last. And clearing out all of that is good, I know it will set me up better for future relationships. It’d be great to get through this frustrating part sooner though.
TL,DR: I wasn’t that sad about my breakup, now I am really fucking sad, and also really angry, and I want him to fall off a mountain/disappear/be invisible to me but so much of our lives overlap. Also I am kicking myself a little for still being so upset over this when he plays it up like he’s doing fine and that sucks too.