But let me take a minute to publicly shame my body in the hopes that it gets embarrassed and resolves to change.

Body, it is completely messed up that the following statements are all true:

You have a nice thick layer of extra padding on all the time.

You are cold all the time.

Your armpits sweat like crazy all the time in the summer.

That doesn’t make sense! You shouldn’t be cold even when it’s 25 degrees inside: that nice extra layer of fat is insulating everything important. And if you’re so cold that you are always telling me to pull out the woolen blanket ot turn on the space heater, why can’t all your parts at least agree? Armpits, are you just ornery? Do you think you’re being cool, disagreeing with every other body part for no reason?

Shame on you, body. Pull yourself together.