My engagement ring came today. Bonernator and I picked it out 5 weeks ago, the jeweler made it to order like a little engagement burger, and now it’s here. Bonernator can theoretically pop the question at any time (we made a little compromise - I get to pick the ring, he gets to do the surprise proposal that he wanted).
I should be over the moon. But it’s making my depression kind of...meta. As in: is anticipatory depression a thing? Like getting depressed at the possibility that your depression will ruin something for you? Getting depressed at how much anger your future hypothetical non-depressed self will hold towards the shitty, depressed version of yourself that you are now?
When I get engaged, am I going to be able to feel real feelings? Or are they going to be stupid zombie feelings like they are now? Is all that excitement that I had before going to fizzle out in a culmination of dumb blah flat affect bs?
In the distant future when I’m NOT depressed, am I going to be angry at myself for not getting this shit taken care of before I got engaged? Because (fingers crossed), it’s only something you experience once, so I should make sure my stupid brain isn’t broken, right?
It’s like I have FOMO for my own feelings!
I broke down last night and confessed these fears to Bonernator (after the depression storyline on You’re the Worst hit so close to home) and he was so nice about it. “Then we’ll wait!” he says. “I love you no matter what!” But I hate the idea of my depression derailing his plans. I’ve already put him through so much.
Thanks for reading, GT. I promise this will be the last of the “Big-ass Depression Flare-Up of 2015” series for a while. I promise that going forward, I’m going to put more effort into really being here for you all because you have been so kind and helpful to me. At its core, this is a good place. :)