I was going to do Part III of my response to the Misandry Bubble, but then TyrannosaurusBataar posted something that reads like a PSA about the perils of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Some trigger warnings for that article. Anyway, this is a hell of a lot timelier than another Misandry Bubble piece.

Alright, you ready, Imaginary Best Friend Jensen Ackles?

Let's fucking do this.

"If I Was Born an American Girl

By Roosh"

Hey, guy, could you have possibly picked a dudebro-ier name than "Roosh?" You sound like Ryan Lochte's marginally-less illiterate cousin.

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"I suspect life would have been easier for me had I been born a girl. If I was reflecting back on a life lived as a woman during these times, the following is probably what I would have written on my death bed while surrounded by my feline friends…"

Ok, whoa whoa whoa; misogyny I expected. But cat-hatred? Fuck you. I'm a guy and I plan to die surrounded by feline friends.

"As a young student in public schools, government programs pushed me into math and science. Even when I did poorly, I got decent grades that indicated I was more intelligent than my work revealed, enabling me to enroll in advanced classes. I even received extra encouragement from my female teachers while the boys were punished for not sitting still. They were put on drugs so my learning was not disturbed."

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Wow, this is is going to be tougher than I thought, because there are just so many wrong things contained in one paragraph. I would ask you for evidence to back up your blatant misogyny, but since I'm reasonably sure your evidence consists of "fuck you I have man parts," I don't think that'd get us anywhere. But really? Women do better in school because they get given good grades regardless of their work ethic? Teachers discriminate against boys? Boys are diagnosed with ADHD more often because ERMAHGERD ITS A CONSPERACER (there's no link here because as near as I can tell, no one's thought to make a study disproving such an asinine claim)?!

Maybe it's just because little girls tend to act like miniature human beings, while little boys tend to be screaming uncontrollable energy-monsters. I know this because I was one. Maybe we get told to sit still and shut the fuck up because sometimes we really need to sit still and shut the fuck up. Not everything is a conspiracy against you, Roosh; sometimes, it's just you being an asshole. Well, not sometimes.

"As a high school senior, ready to apply for college, I appreciated the fact that my male competition was discouraged and shamed into a life of video games, porn, or even suicide. Being favored by an educational system that was ruled by female administrators made it easy to get into college. To outcompete the boys, all I had to do was show up.""

There is NOTHING shameful about Skyrim, sir. I wasn't shamed into playing video games - I started playing them because they let me kill Internet Dragons. I spent my morning shooting crows at people out of my magic bird-hand, then I used a glove that controlled multi-dimensional variables to solve puzzles in my mad scientist uncle's crazy mad science mansion, then I LITERALLY BECAME BATMAN. Explain to me how any of those things aren't awesome? What the hell have YOU done today?

Also I'm pretty sure no one shames us into watching porn. I'm pretty sure we watch porn because there are naked people involved.

"As a failing student in organic chemistry, I was thankful that I could avoid receiving a D by turning on the water works to my male professor, who was so creepy and pathetic that I doubt he has ever been laid by a beautiful woman like me in his life."

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...is it just me, or is this starting to sound less like a scholarly article and more like an incredibly disturbing personal roleplaying fantasy on the part of the author? This is legit starting to make me uncomfortable.

"I’m glad he understood my bad grade was a result of not my own lack of effort or personal failings, since I was told since kindergarten that I could be an astronaut if I wanted to, but because the organic chemists of the past didn’t bother to explain the principles of science in a way that women can understand. I ended up getting a B in the class."

I'm not even sure what point he's trying to make here. That women can't be astronauts? That women aren't capable of understanding scientific theory? It's definitely misogynistic, whatever it is, but he's basically just firing for effect at this point.

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"As a freshly minted communications major (science ended up being too boring for me), I liked how so many corporations were willing to hire me as an HR or marketing associate. These corporations can only advance through strong communication skills, which men simply don’t have. Not only was I always on time for meetings, but I gave really good ideas while the male engineers and programmers were shy and quiet and sometimes a little rapey with how they looked at me."

Am I reading this right? Is he saying that people giving his theoretical lady-version the old rape-eye isn't a bad thing? Should we actually be putting Roosh on some sort of FBI watch-list at this point?

But sure, corporations must be hiring women as part of some sinister feminist conspiracy. That makes sense, because so many of them are run by women, and because women definitely don't face any obvious, easily-quantifiable discrimination in the workplace or anything. Nope, it's not as if google's first auto-complete for when you start typing "discrimination against women" is "in the workplace" or anything.

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"Even though I was only making $35,000 as an entry-level HR clerk, I loved the power I had in googling all the male applicants and tossing out their resumes if I found out they were weird or displayed a value that went against the corporate culture that women are an important part of (like being ugly). I tried my best to give preferential treatment to female applicants because we have been held down for so long."

"Even though I, Roosh, did not personally work on a farm, I loved sneaking onto farms at night and violating farm animals. It gave me the feeling of power that I so sorely lacked in my own personal life, and which, no matter how much I attempted to portray women as subhuman creatures, never, ever came to me."

Quiz for Groupthink readers: can you point out the differences in the factual validity of the two statements? Hint: No, because there aren't any. There is exactly as much evidence to support the existence of one as there is of the other. Well, the second one's probably more likely, but there's no actual proof, per se.

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"As a party girl who has only been with 46 guys (I’m not counting the guys I made love to when I traveled), I enjoyed how I could change my mind about having sex with a guy after I had sex with him. On one morning I looked to the guy on my bed and he seemed a lot more beta than I had remembered when I was enjoying the martinis he was buying me the night before. I was no longer turned on, so it was obvious that I was raped. I called the police and made his life a living hell for violating my body without having been granted 100% full consent. He didn’t get jail time but is on a sex offender list, and had trouble getting a job last time I checked. What’s really interesting is that if I had the same quantity of drinks and drove a car, I would be held responsible for my actions and go to jail if caught, but if I decide to have sex with a guy after meeting him in a bar, I’m not held responsible at all. This is how things should be."

"As an empowered woman who achieves spiritual enlightenment by opening my legs to only the sexiest and hottest men,"

Gee, I'm sure this wasn't typed through angry tears or anything.

"I was very happy that the government paid for my birth control, gonorrhea antibiotics, and later, abortions."

<—Let me introduce you to my good friend Nopetopus.

"You have no idea how expensive it is to be a woman, with the cost of tampons and make-up and such. I wrote many letters to my representative in Congress to ask for my hair coloring and nail polish to be paid, since it’s a cost borne on women and not men, but shockingly I didn’t get a response. It’s true that women now make more than men,"

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Or, you know, the exact opposite of that. Wait, are we playing the Opposite Day game? OOH, OOH! My turn! "I think Roosh sounds like a standup guy who in no way ate an almost inconceivable amount of paint chips as a child." This game is so much fun!

"but I still think money—from somewhere—should pay for women’s health care and not that of men’s, even if our life expectancy is longer than theirs. No one can seriously think that it’s a woman’s fault that men are stupid and ride dangerous motorcycles and shoot each other."

No, no one can think that, because you'd have to have suffered a severe head trauma to think that. I'm glad we agree!

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Note: I skipped the last two sentences in this paragraph, and the entire next paragraph because they're too offensive for words. I don't normally do that (I'm doing the entire freaking Misandry Bubble article, for fuck's sake), but this was just too much.

"As a divorcee of a deadbeat father, a piece of shit man, I’m satisfied that he was put in jail. My amazing lawyer, recommended to me by my divorced friend, got an alimony and child support payment that was 70% of his income. He couldn’t pay it and is now learning his lesson behind bars. The high payment is fair if you consider the years I wasted on him when he utterly failed to attend to my emotional needs as a vibrant, dynamic, and empowered woman. I made sure to remind his little brat of a son every day what a loser his father is."

Is there a reverse form of an Oedipal Complex? Because I'm pretty sure Roosh wants to murder his mother and have sex with his father.

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Bear in mind, again: I've taken out some of the most offensive stuff, which is based around an imaginary relationship with a drummer (Roosh hates drummers, for some reason; almost as if he's secretly talking about a very specific personal experience, or something). As I noted above, don't click on the link for this article if you're likely to be triggered. Or at all, for any reason, ever.

"I even had to put the little one on medication so his unexplained anger didn’t rattle my nerves and interfere with my pilates training. Thankfully, the government gave me more money in the form of food, housing, and child care. The divorce put me in such a depressive state that I now qualify for disability payments until I die. No more office for me!"

Hey, bro, I don't think that's how disability insurance for depression works. But you can be excused for not figuring that out on your own; GOOGLE IS REALLY HARD, YOU GUYS.

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Also, when talking about "food, housing, and child care," this evolutionary dead-end actually linked to himself as a reference. That's like 'Liking' your own status on Facebook. What kind of a self-aggrandizing ass actually writes an article that links to something else they themselves wrote?! *looks at the top of this article*

...oh. Whoops.

"As a recent breast cancer survivor, I was thankful that the disease got more research funding than just about all other diseases combined, preventing deaths of so many beautiful mothers and grandmothers. I’m also thankful to the NFL for making its male athletes wear pink in support of breast cancer and not prostate cancer, which I read only affects really old men who are going to die soon anyway."

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I'm pretty sure football players don't have a problem wearing pink in support of breast cancer, especially considering how grateful they are to their moms whenever they score a touchdown. I'm pretty sure, even given the rates of criminal behavior among NFL athletes, that even they'd look down on you as a bitter, entitled little gremlin. Also, light pink uniforms are more fun to look at than ones where the logos have all been replaced by rectums or rubber gloves.

"Anyone who questions breast cancer funding is obviously a sexist, misogynist, bigot, racist, right-wing conservative, and a possibly a neo-Nazi. With my free time I sent angry emails to the employers of such horrible men when I read their evil thoughts on the internet."

How dare we attempt to cure diseases that affect women?! Only Teh Menz' diseases matter!

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"To my knowledge, no woman has ever lost her job due to proper and just feminist views. This pleases me."

You mean, aside from Adria Richards? And this lady? And thousands of other people whose names go unrecorded? Yeah, aside from them.

"As a dead woman buried six feet under the ground, I’m appreciative of all the privilege I’ve had to live a life where women were cherished and valued above men, who finally understand their role as sperm donors and tax payers and nothing more. But even more can be done, and I pass the torch to young women today and tell them to keep up the fight for gender equality, girl power, and female happiness at all costs. Thank god I was born an American girl."

I'm glad you can still laugh about this shit, Imaginary Best Friend Jensen Ackles. I, on the other hand, need to go scrub my brain with turpentine.