My grandmother died Thursday night. She helped raise me and is one of the most important people in my life. I feel like a hole has been torn through my body. I had to pick a mortuary for the hospital to transport her body to so I picked the one I was sure I at least knew where it is. So, Friday I went over there and they sold me a $2000 package for cremation only. That was after the 15% off they gave me when I told them I would need the full 30 days to pull that kind of money together. They itemized it, but not completely and that’s where they got me. I was too weary to protest or haggle over my dead grandmother and I caved.

Since my mother is next of kin she has to give permission to cremate and she swooped in and fixed it, though we still can’t afford the $700 the Wal-mart version cremation facility is charging. They’re probably going to want it all up front, too, though I don’t think there’s really anything they can do. They have to cremate her at some point and I imagine they’ll sit on her ashes until we can pay it off and pick her up.

I feel stupid and angry. How fucking dare they? I’ve been unemployed and am now colossally underemployed. My mom, her sister and I are all barely making ends meet and I’m dependent on Mr GV right now (all he has is financial aid). My grandmother was 95 fucking years old and outlived anyone who might be able to help us pay for this nonsense. The remaining shreds of my mom’s generation wrote us off years ago, due in part to some stupid shit my mother did a number of years ago.

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Even obituaries are ridiculously expensive. It’s all really sickening. If I could have my scruples removed I could do all kinds of things to make the money I need. Then I could have them replaced and have no memory of the horrible things I did. Voila!

I will probably have to do a goddamned gofundme to pay for my grandmother’s cremation expenses. Fuck you, death industry.