TW: weight, exercise, and diet talk, including numbers, and my feelings on these things.

So, I’ve been actively trying to lose weight. Not because I dislike my body or have any particular desire to be thin, but because my hips and legs ache all the time, walking has gotten harder, and stairs are often nearly impossible. I can’t let my weight go any higher, or I am going to actually be unable to walk. I’m 35 years old. What’s that old country song... Much too young to feel this damn old!

The thing is, I don’t feel that I’m that heavy for my height and bone structure. I’m right around 225lbs, which always seems to be my default weight. Unless I am just shoveling in the junk food I don’t get much over that (learned that thanks to my emotionally abusive ex), but I never get much under it, either, without some serious effort. A few years back, after finally wising up and getting rid of the aforementioned emotionally abusive asshole (wow... almost 7 years, now!), I lost nearly 60 pounds. It’s amazing how not eating your feelings can help. While that only put me at about 205lbs, I felt great! I could walk upstairs! I even jogged! We walked a lot, and I didn’t exactly watch what I ate, but just tried not to eat too much. I kept it off for several years with no effort, but over this past 2 years or so that 20 pounds has come creeping back again.

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I started keeping track of what I eat on Livestrong (the my plate section), and put the app on my phone. I’ve been totally honest with myself, so I know it’s pretty accurate (even on that one day when I blew well past my calorie limit). I also downloaded a pedometer app, and that one also seems to be pretty accurate. We’ve been going for (almost) daily walks, sometimes up to 3 or 4 miles. More typically, about a mile and a half, but we sometimes do those twice a day. According to the pedometer app, we walk at 2.5-3 mph. So, not exactly racing, but not just a stroll, either.

And then there are days like today, when walking becomes an act of will. My hips hurt so bad, I want to cry. Because my hips are all messed up and I’m off balance, my knees are aching, too. Going upstairs is torture, and takes me several minutes plus clutching the railing to haul myself upwards. The last time I did, I just gave up and scooted upstairs on my butt. Which is mortifying if there’s anyone else around. Husband is always on me to use the motorized carts at the store, but I always say that as long as I can walk, I will. I’m afraid that if I give in and start using those or other aids that I will become unable to walk (maybe unreasonable, but it’s how I feel. As long as I can walk, I will.)

Almost-MIL asked if we were going for a walk today, and I joked that it would be more like going for a stagger. But really, I hate this. I have so much stuff to do, and with Other-Husband’s health problems, and all the kid stuff to keep up with, and keeping the house somewhat presentable, etc.... How can I manage everything when I can scarcely stand up straight?

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I think I kind of wandered off from whatever point I was getting at, but thank you for reading.

tl;dr: I’m trying to exercise and watch my calories without being obsessive about it, but physical pain is beginning to prevent me exercising, since it’s getting worse the more I walk.