37 weeks and impatiently waiting while on a semi-forced early maternity leave (I quit because they wouldn’t stop having me do things like unload truck and lift 50 pound boxes and I don’t have the money for a lawsuit!) I was reading an article imploring women not to try and induce labor themselves and think about all those moms of preemies and infertile ladies who are dying to be in those ugly ugg boots that you swore you’d never wear but your feet are swollen and slippers in public aren’t an option.

Being the kind of person I am, I was curious and looked into said methods to file away in the old dome for when 40 weeks came along and I’m still pacing around the house sighing at everything.

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Basically, unless you’re already on the verge of labor or high risk, none of these at home methods are going to work. I know so and so’s sister’s cousin’s aunt’s fortune teller swears by pineapple, but nope. Old wives tales are anecdata and science says a big old NOPE on that pineapple. You’re statistically more likely to go into labor at some point between 38 and 42 weeks of gestation anyway, so the fact that you ate pineapple or did 10000 jumping jacks 5 hours before you went into labor probably means nothing and your body was about done cooking that adorable crotch fruit anyway.

Hell, pitocin doesn’t even work sometimes. What makes you think that downing castor oil is going to do anything besides make you puke and have some wicked diarrhea? The only method that’s been shown to maybe trigger labor is nipple stimulation. One to three hours of nipple stimulation after 37 weeks...for days. I mean, I’m not working now, but I don’t think I’ll sit and play with my nipples for the next three hours and then do that again tomorrow and the next day no matter how much I’m dying to not be pregnant anymore. Plus I don’t have any buckets around for all the colostrum that would leak out. Logistics, man.

A list of things that work about as well as inducing labor yourself:

-saying beetlejuice three times in a row an expecting him to appear

-playing Bloody Mary in a dark bathroom

-invite some friends over to play light as a feather stiff as a board to see if your now giant ass will levitate

-herding cats

Best advice? Just hole up in your house and don’t communicate with other humans until you’ve given birth. They will tell you to appreciate being pregnant because caring for a newborn is hard (thanks for informing me, I’ve only been obsessively googling and been told horror stories for the last 30 something weeks, but I totally didn’t know!), they will tell you their own or someone else’s horrendous birth story (come at me, at this point the kid could come out my ear, I’m not afraid), or they will tell you about how they had sex/ate ghost peppers/did yoga and the little sucker just slid right on out. No one will be at all helpful at this stage, best just to avoid.