I know I keep making the same dumb mistakes over and over. I feel like a deserve a chorus following me around today saying “I told you so!”.....but it still hurts.

There is the guy I’ve mentioned before here. I’ve had a crush on him for years, we’ve been talking for a year. We keep trying to get together, and it just never worked out.

Today I found out he just started seeing someone else. Now, I’m full of all these conflicting emotions. I’m obviously sad...I really liked him! But, I’m angry because I feel like he hasn’t been being honest with me. I asked multiple times if he was still into me, and he would say yes, and encourage my pursuit of him (he did pursuing too...but it was definitely like 80:20). Some of the times he cancelled on me, I truly believe were legit, but also think I was too trusting some of the other times. And, he couldn’t afford to come down and have a few beers with me, but could go to one of those indoor sky diving things with her. He’s got a kid and a job that doesn’t pay great, so I believed him....but now accept I just wasn’t a priority to spend any money on.

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I don’t want my anger to make him seem like a bad guy. It’s entirely possible he was a jerk stringing me along for his own amusement. But, I’m choosing to believe that he’s an idiot that didn’t want to hurt me, so engaged in a jerk behavior in a misguided attempt to be kind. In reality, it is probably a mix of the two. He did like me, though maybe not as much as I liked him, and didn’t want to hurt me....but also didn’t mind keeping me around for the occasional sexting.

But, in some ways, there is also relief. I do like him, but also in moments of honesty with myself knew it was never going to work out. I think I liked the idea of him at least as much as the actual him. It was a crush at least partially maintained out of boredom and loneliness and maybe a self-esteem issue or two.

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It still sucks though....because even with relief and my feelings of anger there is a lot of sad there. I’m tired of picking what seems like the right guy and they end up being wrong and I’m tired of being alone (they are related...but not completely).