Yeah, yeah, it's pretty pathetic to feel that way. But I guess since he's currently the only person I hang out with besides my family, I'm picking on him. It's not his fault at all that I feel this way. He hasn't done anything wrong—I guess it's just that in some ways, he has more privileges than I do and he is much more simple than I am, so I feel a bit resentful. But I know this is a totally unhealthy feeling, so I just want to write it out.
- I'm jealous that he has friends at home that he can hang out with. I don't. None of my high school friends are here anymore, and the one person that is here is not very reliable. He hangs out with his friends weekly, even a few times a week. Meanwhile, my best friends live in another state. I barely get to see them, and we're all too busy to be able to get together. I hate whenever I ask him what he's doing and he's like, "Out with my friends/playing (video games) with my friends/drinking with my friends." And he asks me what I'm doing, and I'm like...nothing, as usual. Sitting at home doing nothing, being bored and lonely. Blah. (Well, except GT helps me feel less lonely, so thanks GTers!)
- I'm jealous that he is working full-time and has a good salary. I'm working this year but my salary is laughable since it's part-time. Then I'm going back to school and will be in at least $300,000+ debt. He will never have to think about being that far in debt. He can pay off his undergrad loans in maybe 2-3 years. He has a sizable amount of disposable income right now. I just want to roll my eyes at him whenever he complains about not wanting to go to work. That is honestly his only responsibility in life right now. He doesn't have to think about the future, he doesn't have to stress out about finances, he doesn't have to analyze every decision of his life because it could potentially have huge consequences in 5+ years, etc. Also, he just started his job in September and doesn't like it and already wants to change it. I'm supportive of him, but there are people out there who can't even freaking find a job, and he has a good job with a good starting salary. He should at least stick to it for a year, but in the end, it's obviously his decision, and I will be happy for him no matter what.
- I'm jealous that he is so care-free. I suffer from anxiety. I often have depressive symptoms and believe that I have definitely experienced depression in my early college years, but I never got help for it, so I can't really confirm that. I am ridiculously hard on myself and unsatisfied of who I am even though I know that I am truly a great person with a lot of accomplishments and potential. I carry all of this inner turmoil, and that's not something that he has to worry about. He won't understand how I perceive things, how I feel things, etc. And to be honest, I never really try to burden him with it because I don't want him to feel bad for me or to pity me or anything like that.
Sigh, I hope I don't sound too whiny right now. Like I said, I am 100% aware that resentment of any sort is both unhealthy and pointless. I'm only hurting myself more by holding on to these thoughts.
Anyway, I'm glad I wrote this out and got it out of my system because it's not something I like to outwardly admit. If you've read this far, thanks for listening <3