I'm bumping this because I am a Time Lord and UberTrout said I had to.
Here's what killed UberTrout, since one, or more of you were wondering. They came from the Jezebel articles on bad sex tips.
Cosmo, don't steal my secrets:
"Chew a small piece of mango... then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him." DO DICKS HAVE TASTEBUDS? WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?
"Go hot and cold. During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up." YES, INSTEAD OF BEING A WOMAN, YOU HAVE NOW ACHIEVED THE STATUS OF A VACUUM CLEANER. GOOD JOB YOU.
"As you're going down on him, shake your head from side to side, letting your tongue follow the same pattern on the extra sensitive underside of his penis." THIS SIGNALS TO THE PENIS THAT YOU ARE BEING COY, OR ARE IN A BOLLYWOOD MOVIE
"As you move your mouth up and down his shaft, rotate your hand in a corkscrew motion while spiraling your tongue in the opposite direction." AND SING THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, AND BE STANDING ON ONE FOOT, AND PATTING YOUR HEAD AND RUBBING YOUR TUMMY
"Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. ...Yowzah." WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? DO YOU JUST JIGGLE YOUR BOOBS AND HOPE HIS FEET ARE EXTREMELY SENSITIVE?
"Receive a butterfly kiss... of your breasts. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts." WHO ARE YOU? THE MONARCH?
"Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off." THEN SLING THOSE BREASTS RIGHT OVER YOUR SHOULDERS AND WEAR THEM AS A SCARF
"Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in." AND A BIG ARROW TO YOUR VAG WITH THE WORDS EAT ME. MEN APPRECIATE NOTHING MORE THAN ARTS AND CRAFTS
"Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple, and ask your man to lick it off." AND BURN YOURSELF HORRIBLY
"Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't." AND WATCH WHILE SHE RUNS FAR INTO THE DISTANCE BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN STARING AT HER FOR 20 MINUTES BECAUSE YOU KEPT LOSING COUNT
This may be one of the only things I'm good at. I should totally write for Cosmo: "HOLD A BANANA BETWEEN YOUR TITS. DUDES FUCKING LOVE BANANAS."
"Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples." NOTHING'S SEXIER THAN THE BLACK EYE YOU JUST GOT BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SPRITZED ME WITH ICE WATER YOU DICKHEAD
"Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws." NOTHING SAYS LET'S BANG LIKE MAKING ANGRY FACES AT HER
"Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second... [to stimulate] an area of the brain associated with trust and affection." FUCK THAT SHIT. JUST GO STRAIGHT FOR THE NIPPLES.
"After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically." WHILE YOU'RE AT IT. JUST LICK HER ALL OVER. THEN SHE'LL TURN INTO A DUDE. MAGIC!
"Your post-run sweat has androstadienone... that spikes her arousal when she smells it." PUSH HER FACE INTO YOUR ARMPIT SO SHE GETS THE FULL DOSE
"According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster." OH YEAH. JUST POP THAT MOTHERFUCKER INTO THE TOASTER AND SOON THE LADIES WILL BE KICKING DOWN YOUR DOOR FOR SOME OF THAT GOOD SHIT
"If you'd rather not have mutant sperm, try filling up on folate." FUCK THAT SHIT. BITCHES LOVE X-MEN. MUTANT THAT SHIT UP.
"Climb a volcano in south-central Chile." THEN, IF SHE STILL DOESN'T LIKE YOU. YOU CAN JUST THROW HER IN. PROBLEM SOLVED.
"Hire a private violinist to follow you and your woman around on the street." HE CAN PROVIDE WHIMSICAL SOUND EFFECTS WHILE YOU ACT OUT YOUR DREAM OF BEING A MIME
"Take a home pregnancy test." BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU TAKE IT IT'LL BE NEGATIVE, BEING A DUDE IS DA BEST
"Sweeten the deal. Eat a strawberry before making out. The sugar activates the sweetness receptors in your mouth." THEN SPIT THE STRAWBERRY INTO HER MOUTH, BITCHES LOVE STRAWBERRIES
"Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse." THEN DRAW A PONY ON HER WITH YOUR TONGUE. IF YOU CAN'T DO IT, YOU FAILED. ALSO MASH YOUR FACE AGAINST HERS. BECAUSE PERSONAL SPACE IS FOR CHUMPS.
"Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they're in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found." To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to "stretch one leg out to work on [your] johnson with her toes." BETTER YET. STICK HER FEET IN THE FIRE. THEN SHE'LL BE HOT HOT HOT.
"Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive." SO PUSH HER OUT A WINDOW
"81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking." SO GO OUT INTO THE STREET AND STICK YOUR DICK IN LADIES POOPERS UNTIL YOU FIND ONE OF THOSE WHO DOESNT SCREAM WHEN YOU TRY
"Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth." BECAUSE AN INCH IS TOO MUCH. ALSO GETTING HER TO PAINT NUMBERS TESTS HER MATHEMATICAL SKILLS.
"Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob." CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST WASTED A JAR OF NUTELLA
"Ask her to get a Brazilian. But it's for her own good! Apparently with the mop removed, every sensation down there is heightened!" BUT YOU'D NEVER GET RID OF YOUR DICK FUR, THAT'S FOR THE GAYS
"Reach over and grab his knee while you're both sitting." AND CRUSH IT. MAKE THAT BASTARD APOLOGISE FOR YOU BEING WRONG
"Grasp his hands and coax them into a prayer position, then position hands over his... Your words [will] become more persuasive to him, though he won't know why." CAUSE HE'D BETTER BE PRAYING IF HE HASN'T GOT DINNER FIXED FOR YOU IN 5 MINUTES
"Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network - he may need constant attention." HE MAY BE CHEATING ON YOU WITH MARK ZUCKERBURG, OR TOM FROM MYSPACE
"If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out!" HE ENJOYS NEW CLOTHES. OH THE HUMANITY!
"Be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or spending more time at the gym." BECAUSE LOOKING GOOD IS FOR CHUMPS
"If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why." HE MAY HAVE BEEN REPLACED BY ONE OF THE SEVEN DWARVES
"Give him a beer facial - the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face." SO RUN UP AND THROW A BEER IN HIS FACE. HE'LL LOVE IT.
"When he's on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and 'accidentally' dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and aaahs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action." BETTER YET. PLEASURE YOURSELF WITH YOUR PHONE SO HE CAN HEAR EVERY SINGLE DETAIL
[On film selection] "Avoid anything that'll cause hearty belly laughs, like Superbad - a jiggly tummy won't make you feel good." LAUGHING ISN'T SEXY. STOP LAUGHING. RIGHT NOW. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU.
"Wear a cinnamony lotion or perfume. The smell of cinnamon buns increases men's blood flow 'down there.'" BONUS. YOU'LL SMELL LIKE A CAKE. SO YOU'LL TURN YOURSELF ON. BITCHES LOVE CAKES.
ETA I may have killed the comments with my Time Lord powers. I am also sorry for that.