For you east-coaster who didn't experience it: I was an ass and I was berated for it, rightfully so, of course. I think it really says something about me if my self-esteem is low enough in the first place that I make judgements like that. Fluffybrains was closest to the mark when she said that just because this person who I might go on a second date with is fresh outta a LTR doesn't mean she isn't genuinely into me. But honestly, I'm not confident enough to believe that. It totally could be possible, but I've never been good enough for a relationship, so how am I suppose to be compatible with her when she has been good enough for one? The answer? I'm not. I'm scared and self conscious about everything I do on the romantic front. I'm a little kid cowering in the corner and crying from embarrassment.
I've come to realize confidence in nothing but choosing to ignore all the reasons to not be confident. I had lots of confidence in high school, it was a defense mechanism. I was a loner who had no social skills, but that didn't bother me because I just fucked all the haters (the haters being almost everyone). I did lots of stupid things, said stupid stuff, had complete conviction in my actions, and in hindsight I realize I had no reason to have that conviction. The conviction was my way of ignoring not knowing what I was doing. I never grew, I never learned, I just did stupid stuff and said fuck the haters and then did exactly the same stupid stuff.
If I decide to be confident and go see her again and pretend to be this with-it got-his-shit-together fellow, it's nothing more than pretend. It's all a facade. In my head I'm still cowering in the corner crying. I'm not ready for any of this.
I'm going to try to stop limiting these posts because I bet I'm kind of a drag. I don't have anywhere else to just let it go and dumping this shit temporarily relieves some of the stress or pressure or whatever.
Also, I wish I felt I had something worthwhile to say in response to other peoples posts, but I don't. I lurk, but reply because of that. So sorry for using GT so selfishly.