I've been going thru the past couple days feeling numb to the world. Big
Bird and I got in a huge fight a couple nights ago. Peep was being really difficult so he was getting stressed out and I was feeling particularly anxious. I fiddle a lot when I'm stressed so I was messing around on my phone. Big bird got upset I wasn't helping and eventually snapped at me. I accused him of never talking to me or asking me to help. He just assumes I won't (even though any time he asks I help him out) and then claims I never help. He has to do everything. I get that he is super stressed and he's still not getting any help. We were going back and forth saying hurtful things to each other. I just called him an asshole. He told me he didn't think I'm trying hard enough to get better. I had enough eventually and told him he needed therapy too. Between my ppd, a mobile baby and a father dying from cancer it's too much for a person to deal with on his own. When he finally vents it ends up being a total shit show. I cry. He cries. It's horrible all around.
I finally begged him to get help. I told him he couldn't say I wasn't trying because I was at least getting help. He reminded me of all the areas in my life where I'm still a complete fuck up and tried to say he knew what the therapist would say and it wouldn't be helpful. Eventually I got him to agree he needed to talk to someone. I tried to frame it as he needed to learn how to deal with me. I'm skeptical that he will call if I don't nag him. I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to start another fight.
Our usual mo post fight is to have some good talks and then awesome make up sex. It's been at least a week since we've had sex. I have no desire. I'm too depressed and feel too poorly about myself. I guess big bird isn't interested either cuz he hasn't once initiated. Or he's just really over me and my baggage at this point. Basically I can't get the thought out of my head that my marriage is ending because I had to have a baby. I wouldn't trade the peep for anything in the world but I wish I could get back to being myself. I feel surprisingly numb to the idea of divorce at this point. I think it may be shock.
On another note I've been late to work by at least an hour all week. I wake up and feel groggy from the trazodone. I ended up turning off my alarm yesterday morning so I set two for today. Still couldn't drag my ass out of bed. Tonight I'll try to take one and half and see if that's enough to keep me asleep til my alarm goes off but let's me function like a normal human the first 3 hours of my day. I find myself staying up late trying to extend my no stress time so that isn't helping either. I'm such a fucking mess. Why did I have my shit together when I was younger and decide to be a fuck up now at almost 27 years old?