In which my uterus and I are not on good terms and I slightly hate all of you.

I got a Mirena at the end of September. For years, my cycle was consistently right around 33 days. A couple of months before, it started being more like 30 days, which was weird but fine.

“This’ll be great!” I thought. “My periods will hopefully get lighter or disappear, and at worst, they’ll be the same as before! I’ll probably have some spotting for a few months, but that’ll be it. I should not get an implant instead, since that could lead to inconsistent periods.”

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“You’ll love it!” you all told me. “I haven’t had a period in years!” “I stopped having one after two months!” “I haven’t had one since I got mine inserted!” “Science is amazing and everything is wonderful! Glitter! Champagne cocktails! Puppies!”

My first period post-IUD was back to 32 days, whatever. And then 37. And then 39, with several days of heavy spotting a few weeks before. And now I’m on day 41—following not one, but TWO rounds of spotting in the last month—and I have no idea when or if my damn period is going to show up.

Usually I would have no symptoms until the day of my period and start cramping an hour or two before it starts. I have had the tiniest little cramps on and off for like three days now. They are the newborn kittens of cramping. I’m not even sure I’m not imagining them, and if they are in fact real, it’s totally possible they’re unrelated.

[Pictured: My cramps. They try to roar, but they only squeak.]

And of course I have an appointment for my 6-12-week IUD string check (yes I know it’s been like five months shut up) on Monday, which WAS going to be fine when I thought my period was starting on the 14th. So now I’m waiting it out, because I don’t want to reschedule if my period isn’t going to show up until afterwards anyway. (It’s totally going to show up Monday morning, like half an hour before my appointment.)

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You know what the best part is, though? After irritably waiting for my period to finally get its ass in gear and show up, I’m still going to have my fucking period.

Harrumph. Tell me about your uterus woes.