I've been going to a lot of IT events, trying to get a feel for the industry, enrolled in some courses, learning stuff on my own. It's great – the people are fantastic, the industry is great, though I don't know if I'm seeing an unrepresentative section, given that the people who volunteer are likely to be a particular subset of all IT people, and the places that put such events on would likely be the companies that are really thriving.

It's fucking fantastic though, and at the same time I'm still pretty scared. I have a tendency to jump into things I'm not ready for, and fail out. I'm trying to be thorough this time, but I'd rather not spend another two years at Uni if possible.

I've never had a full time office job for more than a couple of months at a time. Everything else has been freelance and casual and short term. God, even writing that down makes me feel such self-loathing.

Advertisement

I'm scared that I'm not going to be good enough at it. I'm scared that I'm not going to fit culturally, that I'm not well adjusted, that I'm too weird, that working with people every day I won't be able to fake it, and I'm going to fuck it up.

And it makes me sad to be there too. These people are my peers, and they've had long worthwhile careers already, while I have a mish mash of not very impressive projects that doesn't add up to much. It's sad to think that I could have been doing this a decade ago, working somewhere worthwhile and interesting and well-paid, instead of living in poverty and feeling endlessly stuck. That my life right now would be so different. By now I could probably have a house, a family, money saved up, things I wanted for so long, and kept putting off for another year and another year until my break through would finally come.

It's like, accepting something better makes it clear just how bad things were up until now, and that's a hard thing to face up to.

Advertisement

I think that sentence also pretty much sums up why I keep repeating the shitty circumstances of my childhood.

I am scared to be happy. I'm scared of being too visible, of inviting retribution, of failing so much harder than I can down here. I'm scared of being around well adjusted people, and being found out for the fucked up self-loathing mess that I am.