and write about it. This is a real-life assignment. Is anyone up for keeping me company? It starts at 8Eastern.

Come on. You have nothing else to do. Lisa Vanderpump And Nina Garcia will both be judging! Also judging, more completely random celebs like Kristin Cavalleri and Emilio Estevez, among others, and Nick Jonas will be performing. Somehow, Donald Trump owns a little piece of all these people. It's fucking fascinating.

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I imagine Lisa V has been there a few days in a Trumptastic penthouse getting waxed and polished while Ken totters around with Giggy in various tropical onesies under his arm and his shirt unbuttoned all the way down. I hope someone is reminding him about scalp sunscreen. That shit they make for babies is really good.

Nina Garcia will arrive at the last minute in a minimalist helicopter.

The above photo is my fave from the costume competition the other night! Most people chose the more obvious entry, Whoa, Canada!, which allowed this psycho bodega candle to swoop in and steal my crusty black heart.

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I understand that Miss USA and Miss Australia are roommates and besties. Judging from the costume contest, Miss USA is the Mary and Miss Aussi is the Rhoda.

Like I say, this is something I have to do. Are y'all really gonna make me do it alone?