ETA: Somehow, despite all odds, I survived the night! I’m now getting ready for work at 7:30am on a Sunday, which is a whole different issue of WTF IS MY LIFE, THIS IS BULLSHIT, WHYYYYYYY. Thanks for all the helpful suggestions and commiserations! We’ll see if procuring something to spray on the outside of my window helps. (Or apparently wart remover. Thanks, Lochaber!)

IAM UNDER SIEGE!!

In the past hour, over a dozen stinkbugs have been removed from around my bedroom window and ceiling. Sensing his time was drawing near, as his brethren were plucked off, one intrepid little asshole risked escape and buzzed past my ear, skimming over the back of my neck. I damn near snapped myself in half twisting away from it, and now every time a piece of hair escapes my bun, I start hyperventilating.

WHY WON’T THEY LEAVE ME BE?!?!?!

(Yeah, I know it’s fall and they’re seeking their way indoors even though it was 83 fucking degrees today, so NOT A GOOD REASON, ASSHOLES.) My son suggested they sense I’m a witch and are attracted to blood magic but that is RIDICULOUS. I do that shit outside, obvs.

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I currently have paper towels stuffed in between the window panes as a makeshift barrier, but two more are crawling around. Ifyou don’t hear from me this week, it’s probably because I drowned in a bed of stinkbugs. Farewell, friends.