I was a rude and forgot to thank everyone for their commiseration and advice last week. I really appreciate having such smart insightful people that I can vent to. Thank you all, lovely GTers!
Unfortunately the saga has not ended. Today I received their list of stuff that they said we took from the house; they compiled a list of stuff that adds up to $600. It is all absolute bullshit. Not only is it all stuff that was DEFINITELY not in the house when we moved in, they also priced everything crazy high. For example, they want to charge us $50 for seashells. FIFTY FUCKING DOLLARS? I can walk 20 feet to the beach and pick up a bunch for fucking free. Not to mention, we didn't take any goddamn seashells. They are asking $150 for dishes and a cutting board. $100 for plant seeds. Etc etc etc. Ugh. It's all such BS and the fact that they think they can bully us into this is driving me insane.
However, they don't really know that they're dealing with someone who knows how to be a total bitch when necessary. I responded to their list and itemized exactly where they are wrong and acting illegally, I told them that under CNMI law they had 10 days to make deductions and since it is now 21 days past they owe us $1,000 in its entirety, I advised them to look over the lease and note the "regular wear and tear" clauses, and I ended it with "I look forward to receiving the full deposit back from you shortly. Have a nice day". And I also CC'd two lawyer friends in this email so they could have record of the crazy crap I've been dealing with.
So now, if they don't return this deposit, I have a two-prong plan. 1: hire my most excellent hardcore lawyer girlfriend to take them to civil court and sue them for the deposit, and then some (depending on how shitty they continue to be). 2: file a consumer complaint with the attorney general's office consumer counsel (who happens to be one of my best friends and already knows the details of this situation and has said to come to him if they continue to ignore the fucking law). Double whammy. Boom.
I hate shitty landlords.
ETA: If I file a consumer complaint and it is found to have valid grounds, the landlords will get heavily fined. Sorrynotsorry.