So what’s up with you all? Anything to share on this fine wednesday afternoon (It’s probably more like tuesday night/wednesday morning over there, right?) OT for anyone who wants it! I just wanted a place to write something emotional down :)

Recovery takes a hell of a long time. It’s a boring and slow process and I caught myself wondering if maybe I’m just lazy. That the reason I got a burnout (or am not at full strength yet) is.. just because I’m lazy. I know that’s not true but I do fear it sometimes. And these fears are best faced head-on, out of the shadows and in the light. So there, I’m sharing this with you lot. Ignore it and move along to the OT if you want ;)

——

Some days
All this thinking drives me crazy
So I practice mindfulness
Being in the moment, experiencing much-needed stillness
But sometimes I admit, I wonder
Maybe I’m just lazy?

Maybe this is what I’ve always wanted
Bearing no responsibilities
Carrying no load
Staying home for days on end
Never seeing another soul
Telling tales of what I intend to do
Of what I’m going to be working on very very soon
But never quite finishing
By now I’m sure nobody expects me to

Maybe this is all I’m made for
Dreaming what creation brings
Drawing visions of golden wings
Writing stories of haunted things
Falling short ‘cause the doorbell rings
No I’ll never finish anything

Maybe I never did get sick
Maybe I just imagined it
Maybe all of this is just a trick
To get me to stay home and sit
Realise the truth of it
That maybe I’m just lazy

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Maybe if my mother taught me how
Or maybe if my father had shown me now
I wouldn’t be stuck in a life like this
Shouldn’t I have a job like his
Or hers or theirs
Or something with ambitious airs  
Instead I’ll admit and say
I’m counting the hours away
Keeping expectations at bay
Building my strength in my own way
Carefully, meticulously, learning to stay
With those thoughts in me

Maybe I’m not lazy
Though I fear it might be true
Maybe I’m not lazy
I’m just not quite like you

——

Fin