Last night I had a minor mental breakdown because I awkwardly left a guy's apartment and essentially told him that I liked someone else. This morning, seeing the situation through a clear brain and with the always great help of Groupthink, I have learned a few things:

  1. I obsess over making mistakes. I probably should not have blurted out that I liked someone else to that guy. But it's ok because I didn't lead him on. I would not have come to that conclusion myself. I would have run the situation over and over in my brain trying to figure out how I could have done things differently until next week.
  2. My depression manifests itself in nasty, negative thoughts. I was beating myself up mentally about the situation. I could not think of any positive outcomes (he'll move on, I didn't lead him on) and I thought of myself as the most horrible person to ever walk the planet. I didn't deserve love because of this. Even though this is a normal part of dating. Yes it's healthy to not want to hurt other people's feelings, no it is not healthy to tear myself down for hours afterward for doing it.
  3. I was afraid that he was going to do something violent. Thinking back on it now, the one major response I had in my head when I was leaving was fear. I was absolutely terrified that because I had rejected him, he wasn't going to let me leave. I was afraid that he was going to follow me down the street. I kept looking back to make sure he wasn't there. I'm not sure if that response is healthy or not.
  4. It's ok to need support. I texted my best friend right after and she said she was taking me out for booze and cookies and we'd talk about it. I posted to Groupthink. Normally I would be too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. I'd try to work through it on my own. But I was in a bad place, so I reached out. This was a good thing. It's ok to ask for help when you need it.
  5. I should stop dating other people if I find a guy I like. I really like Ginger Beard. I should have said no when Museum Guy asked me out again but I was afraid of rejecting him.
  6. I cannot be afraid to ask for what I need/want. My wants/needs are valid and should be taken into account with a partner.
  7. I am going to fuck up every now and then with this dating business. I'm not perfect. I have never properly dated so there is going to be a big ass learning curve. It's ok to fuck up as long as I learn from the fuck ups. I cannot dwell on them and make myself out to be the most horrible person ever every time.

Groupthink,

You guys have been super awesome with helping me through this. Every time I feel like an idiot noob, you guys keep me from spiraling and freaking out. Thank you. Truly, thank you. My depression has tried to take over a number of times but the support I've been getting from you all is truly priceless.

And now, a cute gif for reading through all my nonsense:

ETA: I've tagged all my dating posts with TamsDating in case anyone wants to read about the misadventures of a 28 year old dating noob.