If y'all are sick of Fluffybutt's posts about her inane life than you must all be really getting sick of me.
I had to leave work early, after getting in late. I woke up okay but late because my phone decided to flip out and think it was 45 minutes earlier than it actually was so my alarm didn't wake me up on time. I just couldn't focus on anything but feeling awful about myself. It doesn't help that I have a massive pile of work to do from my leave and now last week when I was out. I feel too broken to function with normal people. Stupid things set me off. The nurse at Baby Haa's weight check asking me how many photos of her under the tree do we have (none). My coworkers asking how hard it is to be away from the baby. I feel like it shows that I'm lying when I say "oh a few." "yeah I miss her so much." I should probably reach out to other PPD survivors on a specific PPD support website but I just feel like I will be in competition with them about who has/had it rougher. I'm still so, so defensive and angry when I think of my struggles. We wanted her. She was planned and saved for and we tried for 6 agonizingly long months to get pregnant. This should be the beginning of our perfect little family. And yet, I'm miserable.
I focus on my body and dissect it every night hoping it will magically start looking familiar again. It doesn't. I feel so foreign to myself. Clothes don't fit right, trying to buy in bigger sizes gave me a panic attack. Even when I convince myself I look cute I still see the bulges and rolls. The post earlier today about The 4th Trimester Body Project got me thinking of submitting photos to The Shape of a Mother or even contacting since her studio is in Chicago I could maybe take some time off early next year to do it. But then I think about why I want to do this. Validation from strangers. As always. I don't know if it's because I didn't date when I was younger but I crave sexual attention from others. I flirt, I've made out with guys drunkenly a few times, when I was in high school I'd post naked pictures on the Internet and let the compliments roll in. It was addicting. And I find myself needing this validation more and more. It feel so pathetic. And I know I would be hurt if Mr. Haa acted the way I have been known to do in the past. I just don't ever see myself loving my body or even accepting it enough to enjoy it. I feel really bad but I've been faking orgasms the last couple weeks on the rare occasion when we have sex because I just can't get into it (again obsessing over what I look like) and I don't want to make Mr. Haa feel even worse by not getting me off (and I recognize this is problematic I don't plan on it being a long term solution by any means). I just don't need that pressure.
I find myself getting really angry at myself when I think about how long I've probably been depressed. Why did I think having a baby would fix everything? I should have figured my shit out before bringing a innocent child into this world. Ugh, the spiral continues.