I went to see a psychologist for our first appointment. My life has kind of been falling apart, across the board and I've had some major health issues. The doctors say they are not weight related. But no, the psychologist decided otherwise.
"It's probably due to your weight gain," she said after knowing me for all of 30 minutes. The actual medical doctors who went to medical school do not.
"Well, we should talk about ways you can be healthier," she says. And then starts telling me how I should be working with alternative medications because all chronic illnesses should be dealt with through acupuncture and diet.
Seriously, I once lost 100 pounds. You know what happened? Nothing. Men did not come out of the woodwork to beg me for dates. My acid reflux did not magically disappear. I did not have the energy of a thousand dancing virgins. I didn't really feel any different at 200 pounds than I did at 300 pounds. I was still fat.
I tell her this and she says "well what weight were you happiest?" I have always been fat. Always. I have never been happy with my weight because I've been told since I was six or seven that I was fat and ugly and no one loves people who look like me. I've been over 200 pounds since I was 13.
Honestly, I'm already ready to bail on this woman. I've had people lecturing me about my weight my entire life. I am SUPER DEFENSIVE about it.
Maybe if she'd known me a while and asked me how I felt about my weight instead of starting in on the "we'll get you on the right track" on the first meeting? The truth is, I have never, ever been able to talk about my weight because I just shut the fuck down after 38 years of being told how I'm wrong.
Part of me thinks I should tell her my reaction and try to move forward. But I don't know if I can. Can something not be about my weight, ever? Fucking ever?