I’m the whipping girl.
Purpose: Went ‘home’ to see my aunt and cousins, who I suspect are catching on that all is not well between me and my nuclear family.
Outcome: Degraded, disparaged, and desensitized-regarding my nuke family.
Here are the nuke family highlights:
- Father: Concerned, and comes from a good place. Listened to me when I told him to back off about the holiday situation I elected not to participate in. Tried to persuade me to move back up. Not as bad as...
- Mother: You probably all know she tends to be incredibly toxic, manipulative, and constantly gas-lighting me. I tried-which was futile, but I was triggered by her behavior-to have a frank and mature talk with her about how I was not able to put up with it anymore. Resulted in her talking exclusively about herself: how she feels about her job (hates it, but hell, it was her choice! She didn’t need to take it!), her crushed dreams, what I should be doing in my life, implying that I ruined her life (IT WAS HER GOD DAMN CHOICE TO BRING ME INTO THIS WORLD!) because she had to, you know, ‘raise’ me (fun fact: may sound privileged, but I had a nanny for two years because she wanted to work...and she says I was a ‘bad’ kid because I cried and acted like a baby. This was expressed to me many times, just not in this conversation. I repeat, she made the choice to go back to work. I have more stories about being hit and stuff.), and called me ‘retarded’ several times. In a mean/serious way. “DD, I swear to God you’re retarded.” This has happened before. I hate it, because it’s a hateful thing to say to anyone-and an insult/slur/attack on me. But now, on to the absolute worst part...
- Brother: I thought I had an ally in him. I thought he would at least be nice. Nope. He called me all sorts of names: stupid, bitch, dumbass, idiot, retarded (sensing a trend?). He made cruel jokes at my expense. I get it, he’s frustrated with his position of college-real world transition. All he does is party, come home to eat, and probably drives drunk. Of course, should have seen it when he asked me to write an essay for him, and then when I didn’t, he reacted in this manner. I feel so betrayed.
Honestly though, I’m so used to this. It’s sick. I have no expectations. The highlights of the trip was my aunt, my cousin and his wife inviting me to stay with them whenever, the book I was reading, and cookies from the local bakery.
I’m not really able to say I can’t do this anymore to anyone in my extended family-I risk causing a rift. I don’t want to do that. Hell, I don’t want to talk to my nuke family about it-too much drama and incoming grenades I don’t need.
My doctor, who is a saint, talked it out/listened to me. So did one of my closest friends. I have them, and others. I have you all. I have lovely people in my life. It was a sacrifice I had to make. My doctor agrees with me: I do not deserve to be treated like this. I know that. Sometimes, though, being the whipping girl and wasting four days of life is a small price to pay for three hours with extended family.
I lost four days of my life. I did this to myself-and I can’t even bring myself to care about how I feel anymore. Pain? Yes. I’m used to it though.