TW body issues so many body issues
I'm so mad at my body. I literally hate everything about it. I hate how it's shaped. I hate that it doesn't work the way it's supposed to. I hate how it makes me feel. I've never been comfortable with my body. From being the girl that was heads taller than any boys in elementary school to having braces and acne and being called ugly in middle school to begging for guys attention any way I could get it in high school. So I've got this broken body that doesn't work how I want it to and will never look how I want it to and I just want to crawl out of my skin. I don't enjoy sex because of how stressed getting naked makes me. On the rare occasion I allow myself to relax enough to even attempt to come I get uncomfortable at having so much focus on me that I psych myself out and it doesn't happen. Then I feel like a crappy lover. Sex with me has got to be the least fun experience ever. Lately I have no appetite and I'm celebrating this as a great thing because it means Ill lose some weight finally. But losing weight won't fix the stretch marks or make the skin on my stomach stop looking like kneaded bread dough. My hips have gotten wider making my ass wider and flatter. Awesome. I've always been better at being snotty than flirty. Ask me to act sexy and I will flail awkwardly until you let me stop. I sometimes dont let my husband look under the covers. So not only do I hate my body I hate being a mom too so I can't even tell myself that my body did this very special thing that was so worth it. I'm just mad that I'm the one who is forever marked by having a kid. I went to that website with photos of post pregnancy bodies. It's meant to be empowering and all I could see was if the body looked better or worse than mine. I want to take a scissors and snip off all the extra on me. And then I come to GT where there are so many awesome confident beautiful people and I find myself feeling like an outsider and jealous at how great they feel. I'm trying to convince myself to go get something to eat but I just don't care.