Last night I caught an episode of The Simpsons which featured a Milhouse moment that sums up my own love life (or lack thereof. Serious lack thereof. It's been 5 years since I've even been kissed! Ugh, long story, that). Milhouse is, of course, pining over Lisa in the cafeteria. His inner monologue goes something like, "Just once, I wish Lisa would get up, come over, and sit next to me. [pause] She's getting up! She's coming over!! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!"

Oh, that hit close to home. I laughed at the timing more than anything as I'm currently moping over an epic bout of unrequited love myself. And like Milhouse, the idea of, like, actually talking to my crush is UTTERLY TERRIFYING (which is tragic only because I'm nearly 31, but I'm pretty sure my 12-year-old self could handle this stuff better). Like, I'll be on FB, see him pop up on messenger, and feel my heart drop and my blood run cold because OH SHIT WHAT IF HE SAYS "HI"?! DEFCON 1 DEFCON 1! I've even had dreams in which I've seen him in a public place and have pretended not to notice him for fear of embarrassing myself/making him think I'm stalking him. I'm a neurotic mess even in my dreams. At least I'm consistent, right? I think at this point, it's been so damn long since I've been interested in someone that I have no idea how to handle myself. This is a very messy, goopy, Milhouse-y thing in my life right now.

At least my mom thinks I'm cool.