So here’s the latest installment of my Tinder adventures. When we last met, jezzies, I had a post sex confession from Tinder dude 4, in which he revealed that he had a girlfriend literally minutes after we had sex at a S&M party. I was so angry and hurt that I deleted his number and the app.

But I’m now visiting New York and I heard good things about the app’s usefulness in this great city. So Tinder was reinstalled and I started swiping. I matched with a very handsome man, who we’ll call Tinder Dude 5 (TD5), from Israel.

He claimed that we couldn’t go to his house because his pitbull and maltese wouldn’t let me in (whatever) and I’m staying with my mom, so we agreed to hit up one of the many hourly hotels and take it from there. He also, proudly told me that he was quite large and sent me a photo of the goods. Now, I normally hate, hate, hate unsolicited dick pics. But since he waited until we had actually started talking sexy to each other and it was clearly understood that we wanted to touch each other, I didn’t mind.

Advertisement

Oh.My.God. That cannot be real. It must be the camera angle. Surely, he’s not that big. I wasn’t sure if I was going to meet him since I’m tired of the empty sex. But that lovely thing was something I had to see in person.

So we met yesterday and I was floored when he stepped out the car to greet me. He looked even better than his pics. And he was exactly my type: tall, broad shoulders, thick ass calfs, scruffy beard, mocha colored skin. His Israeli accent was the sexiest fucking thing ever.

We get to the hotel and practically rip each other’s close off. And then he presented that amazing penis. And it was as large as he said it was. Like, not a soda can, but almost the girth of a water bottle. Now, I am NOT a spring chicken and I am a true fucking size queen. But there was seriously a moment when I wasn’t sure if it was even going to fit. But when it did, it was that glorious feeling of pain and pleasure and being filled to capacity. And then he went all the way in and I actually yelped. When he finished the first time, I said he could come on me, so he stood over me and let it drip down. Sexiest fucking thing.

Advertisement

Now, these are all the pros, which would lead one to ask, “What were his cons?” Well, he loves himself very much. So much that he spent a good amount of time watching himself in the mirror. And when he finished the second round because I literally couldn’t take any more, he raised in arms in victory? Like when a guy flexes his muscles like he’s going to kiss them. He said that I was really good because a lot of women couldn’t go as long. And I really didn’t know how to react. And he liked to talk a lot, but not really ask questions about me. O well.

Now, I’m sore and slowly emerging from the sex haze. And I deleted the app again because I’m starting to get worried about my slut stage. But at least I can say that my goal of getting some great NYC cock was accomplished and can return home a satisfied woman.

So if you’re reading this, please share some of your best Tinder times.