You know the beginning of a relationship where everything is wonderful, there's nonstop sex, and you want to spend all your time with this person because nothing he does annoys you yet? The part where everything's supposed to be easy and fun?

Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about because when I'm with someone who I actually like, someone who I'm crazy for, someone who I unquestioningly want to be with, my brain...makes it impossible to enjoy this stage of a relationship...because my brain is broken...


I tried Zoloft and it quieted my brain...but it made it too quiet...so quiet that I tolerated an unsatisfactory relationship for 9 months...so quiet that I was in a fog...a two-year long brain fog...

...not to mention the weight gain and the dead sex drive...I went from being abnormally horny to being ok with never having sex again...while I was in that shitty relationship I mentioned, I didn't miss my sex drive at all...


Anyway, though Zoloft made it easier to function, it took away my spark...it took away what made me who I am...I wanted it back, so I went off of it...

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I was on it long enough to learn better habits, I suppose...I do remember what it's like to not Chicken Little it through life...

This is my brain NOT on drugs...


Anyway, I've been seeing someone for a few weeks and it's been wonderful...for the first time in 3 years, I'm dating someone who actually excites me...and that's what's scaring me the most.

The last time I felt this way about someone, I got dumped...hard. I never wanted to fall in love again after him and I've done a very good job of not letting that happen. How you ask? By dating people who were way more into me than I was into them...by settling for people who weren't good enough for me, who didn't make me feel high...I felt in control...

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But now that I'm dating someone who makes me feel on top of the world, who I can't get enough of, I feel I've lost control of my emotions and I'm terrified I'm going to get hurt again.

So terrified in fact that...I've been doing something really stupid over and over again.

I can't stop checking his OKC profile to see when he's last logged on. I can't. fucking. stop. It's not even been a month, so we haven't specifically talked about exclusivity. Rather than just "playing it cool" like I know I'm supposed to, I'm being a stereotypical crazy stalker girl and repeatedly checking his profile.

I started doing this a couple of weeks ago, especially after I saw that he'd logged on the day after we'd had a wonderfully romantic date. It really hurt me.

It's been a week and a half since he's last logged on...you'd think this would make me feel better, but it doesn't. I've convinced myself that he just hasn't had time to log on because he's been so insanely swamped with work.

Another thing that bothers me and makes me feel insecure about whether or not he's as serious about this as I am is that I hardly hear from him. He told me that he checks his texts and email only once a day so he could stay focused on his work...still, though, I'm just...used to hearing from someone I'm dating about once every day or so.


My brain is seriously such an asshole!


I've worked through my issues long and hard enough to know that he's not responsible for these severely anxious thoughts and behaviors I have. None of this is normal and that's why I'm in therapy. Despite my anxiety, I'm actually a highly confident person, especially in regard to my attractiveness to men...but there's just something about being with someone who I have strong feelings for that makes me extremely insecure and I know I need to work on it.

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I think I took a long enough break from dating that I should be ready for something real. I know this is what I want, I just need to figure out a way to handle it properly without scaring him off. So far, I think I've done a decent job of concealing these insecurities from him.

I think now that I've openly admitted to the obsessive profile-checking that I can work to stop this behavior. I think quitting this habit will be a useful first step in feeling more secure our budding relationship. Also, I haven't gotten any good messages lately, anyway :-P*