Things I want to add to my email signature but probably shouldn’t:

We have a process for things and are just as swamped as you are. If you need something rushed, talk to the management team.

If you messed something up and I put it on hold, do not get mad at me because you can’t do your job.

Legally, I can’t just make up assumptions just because you want a bonus.

If you see me online after hours, obviously this means I have a lot to work on. I am not your tutor and I’m not here to answer your tangential questions.

Please read your reference documents or ask your team how to do things, not me.

Do not assume I know what you’re talking about.

If I have told you I am not in charge of fixing things from this point on, don’t ask me about steps beyond my point.

If you need to preface or follow something you ask of me with an apology, maybe try figuring it out on your own before asking me.

Please see the big red DO NOT DISTURB sign next to my name and take it to heart before contacting me.

If you have done any of the above, pull it back a little. If you have done ALL of the above, you owe me a cookie bouquet and a gift certificate to a spa.