Some of you will remember last fall, when my eldest son was hospitalized for his mental health problems. We just got back from the same hospital, except this time, it’s my youngest son.

Ever since his friend died, he’s been struggling. Last week, he wrote a story at school about a little boy with his name who decided he couldn’t go on with out his friend and wanted to commit suicide, but changed his mind because his family would miss him. When he talked to the school counselor, he admitted to trying to cut his arm with a scissors. This morning, he told his therapist that he wanted to stab himself in the heart so he can die and see his friend again. He said that he had taken a knife out of the drawer and put it up to his chest, but got scared and stopped.

My heart is breaking. My baby is hurting and I can’t help him. This is even harder to handle than it was with my older son, because at least then we kind of saw it coming. My little guy is only 10. He’s the sweetest, snuggliest little boy. I knew he was having a hard time processing his friend’s death (the boy died in an accident, so, no warning, just gone), but I didn’t realize just how bad it was.

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I’m exhausted, my head aches, my heart hurts... I just tucked my baby in to a bed in his very own room in the mental health ward and had to leave him there. He asked me to put a dab of my perfume on his pillow before we left the house, so he can “smell Mommy with him all night”. Fortunately, he was able to keep his own pillow (he doesn’t go anywhere but school with out it, it’s his comfort object), his blanket, and his stuffed dog he’s had since birth.

It’s so strange not having him here. His brother that he shares a room with can’t sleep. My eldest and his girlfriend both just fell apart and sobbed when Husband told them what was going on. I just... I don’t even know what to do. I miss my baby, but I know he needs help and I hope and pray that they can give him the help he needs while he’s there.