I don't know how to start this article. My throat hurts and I feel anxious and nauseated.
I hate porn. Loathe it. I know that's controversial, and I know a lot of people won't agree with me, and that is okay. But personally, I cannot divorce it from the things that happened to me. The Abusive Asshole watched a lot lot lot of porn. On my computer, and left it up. I watched it too, out of curiosity, and it was horrible. Coercion and rape. Sickening. He cheated on me. He flirted with other people in front of me. He outright told me I wasn't interesting or attractive enough to hold his interest, numerous times. To me, they're connected. The feeling I got when I came home and found porn on my browser was the same feeling I got when I read his emails and found them full of sexual messages to people I didn't know: disgust, betrayal, anger, hurt, self-loathing.
GreenHunk and I have never really talked about this. I know it's not really socially acceptable to say "porn makes me want to vomit," and I didn't want to be controlling toward him, so of course I never said that to him. When we first started dating I said something along the lines of "I don't really like porn, but I don't care as long as you don't watch it on my computer." I was lying, to him and to myself. I do care. A lot.
So yesterday when we were sitting at this coffeeshop and he googled something on his phone and I saw a porn site come up in his history, I didn't even know what to do. I asked him about it...AND HE LIED. He fessed up like two minutes later, but I. just. lost my shit. I took off my ring and gave it back to him and I was sobbing so hard I couldn't speak. I told him I couldn't marry him, I could never trust him, and who did he cheat with, what was her name, wouldn't he just tell me the truth. I was inconsolable for probably close to an hour.
Eventually I calmed down enough that we talked about it more. He said he lied on the spur of the moment because he was afraid to hurt me, but he had never sat down and thought about whether or not it would hurt me, really, he was just going off what I'd said before and what his previous partners had said to him about it. He said he didn't do it for the first part of our relationship but now does 3-4 times a month, usually because he's bored or in pain from work (his job is pretty physically demanding). He said he doesn't do it because I'm not good enough or he wants to have sex with someone else, he definitely doesn't, and he hasn't and wouldn't cheat on me. He says he can't stand "mean porn" (which is how he described what the AA used to watch when I told him about it) and only watches "nice porn" (which is I guess just vanilla sex?)
I asked him to never do it again, at least not without me. I told him if he has to do it could we at least watch it together so I don't feel so betrayed about it. I feel bad admitting I asked this of him, because people will probably say it's super unfair, and maybe they're right. He said of course and he had no idea it would hurt me so much and he'd gladly never do it again, and it was fair that I asked since he asked me to never smoke anything again because it's a huge trigger for him.
So, great. All's well that ends well, right? But not really. Because I still FEEL betrayed this morning. Like I am walking around feeling like...like I just got cheated on. And it's ridiculous and I know it. I don't even know what I need or want or why I'm telling you this, just...idk, some perspective? Hugs?