SO I haven't been around on GT much, I have seriously been waiting for my old account to be brought back to life...I haven't wanted to write about personal stuff because those burners make me really uncomfortable but I miss you guys so here I am. Ernie is definitely working on the old account stuff, so I am eagerly awaiting a resolution. Thanks Slay for giving me posting privs again!
My life seems to be just on autopilot right now. My daily routine is the same, I don't go out or talk to people IRL other than the people I live with and work with.
I was rejected from a job that I REALLY wanted on Friday. And while I pretend it doesn't bother me. IT does bother me, I am seriously on a downward spiral right now. I had begun an alcohol fast at the end of March, but this weekend I spent half of it slightly drunk...sober enough to take care of my kids but not really to be present for them the way I need to be. And I feel like shit because of that. I honestly do not know what I am doing with my life right now. I have 2 more opportunities coming up with interviews, but I just don't feel really positive about them, or myself to be honest. I put everything into the last job, and I didn't get it. I know that moving out of the community based model is really difficult, I just did not anticipate it feeling so hard.
So my confidence is low, and it doesn't help that I have just recently been dealing with Asthma. so I have been prohibited from running, and because I have had these awful symptoms for about a month now, I haven't been training. I have a half marathon at the end of August and I am at my heaviest and slowest right now. I said fuck it and ran a mile yesterday while my daughter was playing soccer. I left my inhaler in the car...and then I thought I was going to die because I could feel the tightening happening right as I hit the 1 mile marker. "fucking shit, I have to do 12 more of those to finish!" I thought and sat down completely defeated. I know going against doctor's orders is stupid, but running is my only way of keeping the anxiety and depression under wraps.
So yah, I am not feeling life right now. I am not really happy, I am not sad really. I just am here...wasting 8 hours a day at a job where I have 3 weeks left. And if I can just give all you youngsters advice, never let your job give you meaning. I mean here I am 12 years later, at a place where I invested everything—and that ended up really defining who I am as a person...getting laid off. A cautionary tale I guess.