Welp, the judge found my husband not guilty of malicious destruction of property. The breaking and entering charge was dismissed on an earlier court date. My ptsd had no relevance to the trial. I did take the stand and testify, i messed up a few times by saying “i think.” The whole morning he was following me around while we waited for the judge. I did my best to avoid him but its hard to not look at someone staring at you intensely. The da finally let me stay in a conference room, but that was after a couple hours of him pseudo stalking me around the courthouse.

I have conflicted feelings. I am thankful for the verdict bc i wont have to worry as much about retaliation, which i dont think he will do but i also didnt think he would break the damn door down. But i am also angry that he was not held responsible for being a terrifying, abusive human being. I am mad at myself for not talking to the detectives. The worst part is that i felt love and devotion. I felt like i still loved him. I have to keep telling myself that my understanding of love is not love. But fuck its hard. The damaged part of me wants to believe in a fairytale ending, that maybe this is just one of those volatile love stories. The healing part just wants it to be over.

He caught me outside smoking before it started and i just wanted to tell him i want a divorce, but i couldnt gather the emotional energy to speak to him. He would likely be charming and kind, like the man i thought i married. I dont know how easily charmed i would be. I will have to talk to him eventually about it bc i dont know where he is living right now.

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It felt good to say everything outloud but i still felt my hurt being silenced, since the previous abuse was unreported and not relevant.

Its a let down. Everytime ive asked the law for help with dv, there is some twist that makes it impossible to pursue.

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Sorry for the rambly post. Thank you ALL for your love and support on this journey. This place makes me feel safe. And that is so precious to me right now. <3