I know some of you are moms and there have to be some other preggos. I just got privs! Holy shit it’s been a matter of years and I finally made it!

I’m having what seems like the world’s longest pregnancy and I’m due the first week of december. We are rolling 19 weeks - I’m about halfway - and OMFG I’m already so done. I have hypermesis (I basically puke all day and night for no damn reason)and I’m on meds so that I can survive since I work full time. The first 8 weeks of my pregnancy were spent finishing dissertation edits, defending my dissertation, and finishing our legislative session work. I may have puked on one hellish day while responding to multiple requests at once. Gah. I asked for this. We had a miscarriage earlier this year and this baby is so wanted. But also I hate pregnancy. Anyone else have HG? Anyone else just fucking hate pregnancy?

Tomorrow, I get to go to a psych consult with a PPA/PPD specialist because my OB is pretty sure I have prenatal depression. After filling out all my intake forms, I am also pretty sure I do. I asked for help. My husband was incredibly supportive, as was my younger sister, my good friend (also pregnant) and my now-ex-boss/now-coworker (who had a family member suffer through a pyschotic breakdown post-partum). I’m so scared but I’m also so hopeful. We knew I would be on mood stabilizers post-partum so we bought a brezza and I am okay formula feeding. I have bipolar II but my depression has always been well managed with diet, exercise, and sleep for the past 4 years. I haven’t had a hypomanic episode in 3 years. I haven’t been on a mood stabilizer in 18 months. I was doing so well and I feel so tired these days, so miserable, and my sickness makes the usually social me so antisocial. It’s apparently very normal in HG women.

This is our first and last baby together. I have two wonderful stepkids - 8 and 10 - and this will be our “tie breaker” once we find out the sex in about a week and a half. We are still debating whether to tell our families. I have it in my mind it’s a boy and if it is, we will tell everyone. If it is not, I’m keeping it a secret for much longer so we can limit the number of tutus we will get. There is a part of me that really wants to have the ONE little boy in our group of friends (everyone has had little girls in the past 2 or 3 years) and also a part of me that knows I was SO bad a typical girl things that I feel like I can’t be a good girl mom. I already face this with the 10 year old. I suck at doing hair. I like shopping. I don’t “get” dolls. And she’s past the “larval stage” which my father lovingly calls the baby/preschool years and almost in puberty!

I was a real tomboy. I was all girl but I hated dresses, dolls, pink. I still really don’t like overly frilly shit. I know little girls can be awesome because we already have one but people are AWFUL about babies. Seriously, I don’t want the stupid oversized bows! They haunt my fucking dreams. And tutus, why? They just look like another thing that can’t go in the washing machine!