There's a chance I'm just reading too much into this, and that I'm hyper-vigilant about people after having my last two living arrangements go incredibly sour.

Basically, I have been staying with a friend of mine's older sister since the end of October, in a spacious duplex close to my school. My friend was gracious enough to set this up for me after my life fell apart mid semester and I had to move out of my aunt's house suddenly, upon finding out that she was a serious alcoholic and drug addict with violent tendencies. I had no where to go, no job, was in school full time, and my family had no room to take me in, yet this person who had only met me a few times agreed almost instantly to let me stay with them. She had an air mattress and a spare room that she just used for storage and told me I was welcome to them.

My roommate has always been very gracious and laid back. She gave me free reign of the kitchen and open use of anything, and has refused to take payment from me in any way. I have offered on several occassions to give her some money for rent or utilities, but she insists that she doesn't need it and won't take it. Even when I was home for 5 days straight after having oral surgery, and did nothing but run the heater full blast and watch television for 14 hours a day, she wouldn't accept money to help pay the electric bill. I brought it up to my friend, her younger sister, saying I felt weirdly guilty for staying here and not contributing. Sister told me not to worry about it because my roommate isn't hurting for money in any way, as she makes somewhere in the six figures.

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She's also not home very much. She has a serious boyfriend that she stays with 5 or 6 nights a week, and her job is very demanding on top of that, it's not unheard of for her to pull 80 hour work weeks. I'm here alone 80% of the time.

As far as me moving out, I've told her that I'm busy looking for a job and have at least one solid lead, but I'm still putting in on average 5-10 applications/resumes a day. I also have financial aid money that's due in around the second week of february that will ease my transition back into my own place. I found a little efficiency apartment up by campus, it's 500 square feet and just over $400 a month. Even if I just have a part time retail job, I should be able to swing that.

The deal is though, I think I'm totally psyching myself out here and tricking myself into believing I'm a huge burden on her and she wants me gone, like, tomorrow. I keep doing this thing where I guilt myself for not doing a better job of finding work, or tell myself that I should have just found a job and dropped out of school so I wouldn't be having to depend on someone else. I go into this super people pleasing mode where I'm like, trying to gain some approval or find some way to figure out if she's pissed at me, when I KNOW if I was doing something terribly wrong she'd let me know. I feel like I'm always apologizing for shit and walking on eggshells when there's not a ton of concrete evidence that tells me to do so. It's just my dumb brain that takes everything and twists it into some reason why I'm fucking up/don't deserve it/people don't like me/blah, blah, blah.

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I mean, we had talked about this whole arrangement just being temporary. I told her that I would have to rest after the surgery, which put my job search on hold and she seemed fine with it. I've worked my ass off on it ever since. To be fair, I'm sure she's getting a little tired of sharing her space/kitchen things/bathroom when she's lived alone for three plus years before having me come here. Also, I don't think her boyfriend is my biggest fan, only because he's an older, very conservative, climb the corporate ladder, the poor don't need handouts kind of guy and that doesn't jive too well with me. He's a nice enough person, I think he just sees my tattooed, liberal, college student broke ass and can't identify with me.

If everything goes according to plan, I should be able to move out in a month. But i'm getting weird and panicky about the prickliness I sense, which may or may not be genuine. Like I said, the most likely scenario is somewhere down the middle, she's just ready to have her own space back, and I've got a solid plan to get me out of here in a timely fashion. I just...feel...weird, like the other shoe is going to drop in some way.