I’m sorry, this is going to be long winded. I have always struggled with the feeling that I like people more than they like me. I hate throwing parties or asking people to celebrate my birthday because I am convinced that no one will come. I always assume people don’t remember meeting me - this has been true often enough to feel like it’s not an unfounded thing.

This has all been magnified hugely in the past year when my ex-husband started dating someone less than 2 weeks after we separated and moved with her across the country 3 months later. It just reinforced the idea that I wasn’t that special and that I cared more about him than he did about me, and that our marriage and 13 years together were easily forgettable to him. I have been in a huge emotional hole about this, and it just seems to be increasing in size.

So this Saturday I was supposed to host a revolving ladies’ night dinner, and at the last minute - i.e. day of, when I had already gone shopping and begun cooking - everyone except for one person bailed. Individually, they all had legitimate excuses, but it was just really fucking devastating, particularly in the shitty headspace I’m already in. It just reinforced my fears that I am easily dismissed/disposable.

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I love her, but if my mom tells me one more time that I just need to practice acceptance of the situation (coming from someone who has been married to the same person since she was 19) I am going to lose my shit. I accept that he is gone. Waking up without him is a pretty strong reminder - as is my fucking divorce certificate. And my sisters never check in on me. I will text them and ask how they are doing...they tell me all about their day and don’t ask me how I am. My dad is too emotional to talk to - we are very similar - but he at least does send me encouraging texts from time to time.

I have a therapist, I take meds, I exercise, I get myself to work, I confide in a few close friends I actually trust. I don’t know what else I am supposed to be doing to get through this. “This” being the feeling of inadequacy and the divorce I didn’t want. At least for the divorce, should’t my heart be getting better with time? It just keeps getting worse.