No, I am not fucking interested in being your tour guide when you come into town next weekend. If I wanted to be a tour guide to random strangers, I would have joined Guidr, the app I just invented to hook travelers up with locals who love to show their city around. However, as someone who is looking to date people, I - gasp - joined this dating app instead. Instead, I get at least one message a week from some rando from the other side of the country saying “Hey, I’ll be visiting next week, want to be my tour guide ;)“

And let’s be real. When you say “wanna be my tour guide”, I know that what you mean is “please be my manic pixie dream girl who will spend all of her time charmingly escorting me around town and let me bang you poorly for the weekend before I leave”. Which is your loss sir, because I do, in fact, know where Anne Rice’s house is*.

I think I am going to start using dating apps for whatever I need as well. “Want to pick me up groceries?”, “Hey sexy, I noticed your pic and wow! was wondering if you could maybe wanna hang out next weekend - would 6am work? I need a ride to the airport”

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*I don’t actually know where Anne Rice’s house is. I’ve probably told people at least four different houses were hers. But they don’t know the difference and they leave happy and I’m happy and we’re all happy.