Have you ever had an incredibly strong emotional reaction to something where you genuinely cannot figure out why it’s making you so emotional?
I have been very angry with one of my roommates for probably two months. I have kind of put it out of my mind, because she’s moving out soon, and I don’t think talking to her about it will help at all, so I’ve continued to be as kind as possible to her and just ignore my feelings. Last night they came out in a flood, though, when GreenHunk told me she had been talking to a mutual friend about how she feels uncomfortable talking to me about her problems apparently. I’ve never told her anything negative about her problems or, to my knowledge, shown how I feel, but maybe she can just tell - because honestly, I don’t really want her to talk to me about her problems.
A few months ago she became a stripper. Objectively, not a problem, but maybe because of the way I was raised, maybe because I was previously with a serial cheater and abuser, the idea of stripping makes me uncomfortable (like, I am fine with idea of actual sex work, because it’s private as opposed to public, but I cannot seem to come to terms with stripping). I’ve tried working on these feelings but they’re still there to some extent. I haven’t told her or anyone other than GreenHunk that I still feel uncomfortable about the idea. If she were older and more mature, it probably would just be me being slightly uncomfortable. But she is very young, a middle child, and very much doing it for attention. And it’s sort of gone to her head, or she’s using it as a coping mechanism for body image issues maybe, but in a way that’s really irritating and crosses the line into downright hurtful. Irritating: constantly asking me and our other roommate if she looks hot in whatever stripper clothes she bought this week. Kay, I have no problem with nudity, but flat out asking for compliments is super annoying. More on the hurtful scale: awhile back she told me she doesn’t take crap from anyone anymore because she knows she’s hot, hotter than most people, and since people will pay her for her time she knows she’s valuable. I was taken aback and tried to say, as kindly as I could, “You know your worth isn’t based on looks, and a lot of girls struggle with self esteem and body issues, and you might hurt their feelings if you say stuff like that.” She told me I “didn’t understand because I’m not a stripper.” I was furious, and honestly still am, but I didn’t think she would handle it well if I tried to talk to her about it further and I wanted to keep the peace in the house so I decided I would stop trying to be her friend and just be civil to her.
Apparently this has hurt her. I probably should talk to her about it. But I can’t until I can figure out why I’m so angry and what hurt is actually behind that anger. Because honestly, I am still fucking furious whenever I think about her or that incident, but I can’t put my finger on exactly why. I’ve had body image issues in my life, but hasn’t everyone? Why can’t I feel about this what I know to be objectively true, that she’s just unhealthy and hates herself, and it’s actually pretty sad? There’s something else going on in my head but I can’t figure out what. Any thoughts?
(p.s. I don’t think she knows about GT, but just in case I’m going to delete this post in a couple hours.)