I am a ball of anxiety. It's making me want to skip my run but I know I will feel so much better if I do it. I found out my cousin is pregnant and it triggered me in the weirdest way. It's like I know I'm not getting away from the baby topic with my family. I told big bird how I felt on the drive home. I said "I feel defensive about how I've been feeling and her pregnancy is bringing those feelings to the front of my mind when I finally was starting to dampen them." He said he understood that. And so again I feel like a terrible person not being more happy for my cousin and her expanding family. I was the same way with her first kid. Jealous because she was having the first great grandbaby. What a joke that is to think about now. My grandma doesn't know about the PPD, neither do my aunt or cousin. My cousin is a month younger than me. We've been compared by our mothers (sisters natch) our entire lives. It's kind of fucked up the relationship. I feel so competitive to have (and want) what she has/does. But at the same time we are such opposites in what we really want out of life and how we do things so it doesn't make sense for me to be jealous. Probably another topic to add to the list for therapy.

I was driving back from the grocery store and I thought I'm going to go on a run today because it's gorgeous. Then I started noticing how many people were out and about in their yards. Then I thought about how ill fitting my workout clothes fit since all the weight I've gained. Then I thought about the times I've been catcalled especially recently when I've been pregnant and immediately afterwards. What if I get called something mean and there are people around? My anxiety is just spiking. Big bird just offered to go on a walk with the peep and me so maybe I'll just pop an ativan and settle for some activity being better than none.