God...you so wacky.

Why, oh why, must You test me in the last 48 hours with the world's most awful people who claim to know exactly what You mean, what You say, and why You do the things You do? Did I miss a prophet memo? Forget to carry an aeon or something while doing Bible math? Wait a minute...is this another one of your silly "tests of faith"?

God: You are the original Andy Kaufman.

While we're having a conversation and all, could I stick in a few prayers? Yes? Oh, why thank You. I have quite the list:

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1. Please remind humans that ITZ NOT OK to assert that You don't make mistakes in the wake of unspeakable tragedy. Those people are using Your name pretty poorly and fucking suck.

2. We know Your word is perfect. However, us humans are not. Please tell people to stop taking the Bible so fucking literally.

3. Please go Old Testament God on R. Kelly. That would be awesome.

4. Anything that can be done to end the scourge that is Duck Dynasty and their ignorant assertions about being "proud Bible thumpers" would probably garner you a lot more followers. These assholes are badly damaging your popularity. Just sayin'

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5. Anytime someone says that there is a "war on Christmas," please spin the Wheel O' Smite to deal with them. I think it would make all of us feel better.

It's not much, God. Think you and Your Son could get on that? Pretty sure the Holy Spirit would be down for a good ol' fashioned smiting, too.

Thanks for all the good shit you do too, btw. Just...work on your comedy routine, ok? We're not laughing anymore.