I have a lovely pliable pasta dough chilling in the fridge, but I still don't think I'll be able to pull them. It's super good though, I just panfried a wodge that I pulled into a rough, lumpy tortilla thing. It was sesame-fragrant and soft on the inside and crispy on the outside and had a building heat that made you want more.

1.25 cups of All Purpose Flour

0.5 teaspoon salt

1 tablespoon Chili Sesame Oil

1/2 cup water

1 oz-is vodka (or water)

In a large bowl, stir together the flour and salt, until everything is incorporated. Dump in the the oil and the water, and stir with a fork. This should form a crap ton of little, I guess you'd call them flakes? of dough. This isn't enough liquid to make everything come together, so add in the vodka, about a teaspoon at a time until those flakes start forming a ball. Pro tip: a fluid ounce is about three teaspoons/a tablespoon. I think.

Advertisement

Grab the dough ball in your hand, and crush it in your mighty fist, like you're in a kung fu movie and you're pulling out the heart of your enemies, HiYAAA!! noises optional. Just keep squishing it together, then start kneading: grabbing the edge, and shoving it deep into the center of the ball. If your bowl was big enough, you can do it in there. Knead until the dough is smooth and pliable, and a uniform orange color, instead of a Jackson Pollack array of deep orange speckles.

Now, you can either attempt to pull the noodles, in which case you can't, because it falls apart too easily. Those bastards on TV always make it look so easy. Bastards. Or you can put the dough, wrapped in plastic wrap, to rest for about 20 minutes. You can try to pull them again, or, run the dough through a pasta machine, cutting it into fettucine. Or, you can roll them into balls, squish them, and use the flattened discs of dough as wrappers for dumplings. I'd recommend All The Kale or All The Thinly Sliced Green Onions or A Mix Of All The Kale And Onions. Or, you could pinch off bits of dough and roll them into the size of a pea, then boil the little dumplings in salted water until they float, then toss the cooked pasta in peanut butter and scallions and juliennned ginger slivers. Or toss in sweet chili garlic sauce, that syrupy nectar of the gods flecked with chili flakes and rendolent of garlic, sprinkling a tablespoon of crushed peanuts, topping them with crunchy beansprouts, ripped up cilantro, whatever your little heart desires. Serves One Very Hungry Dastardly Mr., and one moderately hungry bumblecat.

ETA: REMEMBER TO WASH YOUR HANDS THOROUGHLY AFTER YOU'RE DONE HANDLING THE DOUGH, AND DON'T TOUCH ANYPLACE SENSITIVE. OMG MY EYE, IT BURNS!!!

Advertisement

ETA: ETA: THE DASTARDLY MR. CAME HOME AND WAS LIKE, "I JUST CAME FROM A RUN, I DON'T WANT PASTA" AND I'M LIKE, "WELL, I TOLD YOU I WAS MAKING PASTA BEFORE YOU GOT OFF WORK, DON'T YOU THINK YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME TO NOT MAKE ANY???" MY HUMAN IS A MONSTER.