Whenever people talk about wedding gifts, there are two camps: The people who say it’s a sin to go off-registry, and the people who say you should be grateful that they gave you anything and it’s rude to complain about a gift. The second group is wrong and terrible and I hate them.

I have never gotten married, but as I write this, I am taking an ice-cream-and-brownie* break from the first evening of sorting and packing things so I can move apartments in two weeks. After mere hours of going through my shelves, I’ve realized two things:

  1. I have a TON of crap that I neither want nor need, and in many cases it has been sitting in a box or on a shelf since I moved in last July. Much of it has never been used.
  2. I bought almost none of it myself.

The worst culprit here is my mother. She is a wonderful person and I love her very much, and she does a great thing where she puts together carefully curated care packages, typically themed around something like an upcoming holiday or, once, the color yellow. These care packages are always adorable and full of charming things like cute sticky notes or dinosaur-shaped cream pitchers or tiny Winnie the Pooh figurines. They’re wonderful and they make me very happy.

For about half an hour, and then I realize that my room is the size of a large closet and that I have nowhere to put them and that furthermore, even if I had a bigger room I still would have nowhere to put them because I’m not going to display a $3 Winnie the Pooh figurine, I don’t use cream, and I already have enough sticky notes to last me several years. (See also: The adorable picture books she has given me, all of which are super cute and all of which I have never opened since she first gave them to me.)

So then I’m left with a choice between cluttering up my life even more and throwing out something that my mom bought specifically for me because she thought I would like it. And usually it all just ends up getting schlepped from apartment to apartment and forgotten until the next time I move.

I’m trying to be all Marie Kondo about this: Thank the things you’re getting rid of for serving their purpose (in this case, they were a way to let my mom show her love for me and gave me a moment of happiness) and then throw them out. But it’s haaaard, you guys. It’s really hard, and then I have to feel guilty about not donating things (TWITTER I LOVE YOU BUT YOU’RE NOT HELPING ME HERE) or get more stress from figuring out how to donate these things when I don’t have a car and half of it is shit no one probably wants anyway.

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So in summary: Give people things you know they’ll use and/or that they have specifically asked for. Do not give them random-ass crap because it’s cute unless you know they like and want random-ass cute crap. You are adding more stress to their life, or at least you are adding more stress to my life and I’m extrapolating here.

{deep breaths} End rant. Thank you for your patience; here is a tiny kitten adorably falling down as a token of my gratitude (and you won’t have to find a place for it).

P.S. So help me god if anyone starts arguing about wedding things in the comments I will delete you all because I am not in the mood.

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*Okay, this is a very negative post so here’s a cute thing. Last night my most recent boy spent the night, but first he had dinner with his family, including his grandma. He mentioned to her earlier in the week that he’d been on a date, so even though he didn’t specify what his after-dinner plans were, she guessed that he was going to meet a girl. And so she gave him a ziploc of delicious gooey brownies to bring with him. His grandma clearly knows the best way to woo a woman.