(I recap RuPaul's Drag Race for Persephone Magazineoriginal appears here.)

And now. We’re down. To the. Final… Three. It’s Rolaska vs. Jinkx in the prize fight, bringing you a one-two punch of too much eye makeup on RuPaul’s Drag Race! In this corner, not-Sharon Needles! In that corner, Roxxxy “LOL You Have Narcolepsy” Andrews. In this third corner, get ready for some Hi-Jinkx! And in the last corner… I guess the camera or something.

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One note for these recaps: pronouns. When a contestant (or judge) is presenting as male, I will use the “he” pronoun; when presenting female, I will use the “she” pronoun. The exception being if the person states otherwise. For example, Monica Beverly Hillz is a Transgender Woman, so I will always refer to her as she, naturally. I will strive to be responsible and respectful at all times. If you see me mess up, call me out in the comments!

The episode opened with more smack-talking than a fictionalized glee club competition. “I’m number one!” said all three of our remaining contestants. But we can’t all be number one, can we? That’s what my mother had to tell me sometimes two, three times a day. Sniff.

Michelle Visage visited the work room. She’s famous for being one of only a few people in the world who can say “condragulations” with a straight face. She revealed that our contestants would be shooting the video for Ru’s latest single: “The Beginning.” And they’d have to act in a dra-ma-tic courtroom scene playing the defendant, the defense attorney, and the prosecutor — all three playing all three roles. What an acting challenge! I’m pretty sure Meryl Streep never played three roles in drag in the same movie. Suck it, Oscars! Each of them would lunch with Ru and meet with attorney Gloria Allred because of… feminism (?).

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Candis Cayne came calling ’cause of choreography — for the music video. She introduced something called Chiffonography, which sounds like a dance White people do whilst swishing fabric because they’re bad at actual dancing. And that’s what it was! But Alaska, the Whitest state, could not even manage this. They then learned to flip their hair in a giant fan. Roxxxy was talented at blowing, but Jinkx had as much as hair-flip finesse as Cher Horowitz.

They then began shooting the video for director Mathu Andersen. The scene was for them to drive a convertible into heaven, which is actually the end of Grease, except adding muu-muus. I’m sorry, I don’t know what that sentence means, either. Our girl Jinkx totally stole the show, even collapsing over the steering wheel for some zzzzzzs by “accident.” Roxxxy got sour pickle face to see that, once again, she was being out-everything-ed by Jinkx.

Next in Batshitville, it was time for them to lip-synch solo (with wind, chiffon muu-muu, and hair flipping, duh) to the song at one-and-a-half times speed. I’m sorry, I don’t know what that sentence means, either. But it was supposed to create an effect of exaggeratedly exact lip-synching. Maybe? This is too much thinking for Drag Race, which is what our queens thought, too, considering the panicked faces when the chipmunk-like-song began to play.

We learned that there are several things that Alaska doesn’t do well:

  1. Chiffon
  2. Wind machine
  3. Hair
  4. Super-speed lip-synch
  5. Sexy
  6. Choreography
  7. Moving in general
  8. Standing
  9. Warm temperatures

Poor Alaska! I can only pray the video editor is on her side.

After this ordeal of ugly outfits and ripping off ’80s movies, our queens had to meet one-on-one with Gloria Allred. She helped them formulate their arguments for why they should be America’s Next Drag Superstar. It was revealed that Alaska was also bad at

10. Arguing why she should win, womp womp

Roxxxy was up next with Gloria. He gave all the right pageant babble answers, but Gloria shut that babble right down, telling him to keep it real and to cut down on the cattiness.

Jinkx did pretty well with Gloria, but was better at talking up himself than talking shit about his competitors. She told him to get right in there and fling that poo to victory!

Lunch with Ru was next. Jinkx revealed that he wants to do drag on Broadway, and that he grew up without a mother in a dark childhood. He came to realize that he does drag as “older” characters because he never really connected with his childhood. Sniff part deux — I just love Jinkx, and so does Ru, calling him a bright star.

Alaska told Ru that should he win, he’d feel just like the Kate Middleton part of a drag royal couple. His big fear was dying, of losing all the things he’d worked so hard in his life, especially the beautiful love he’d found with Sharon. Ru advised him to live in the moment, full of joy, and not spend your life worrying “what if?” And this was when my evil, black heart cracked and I started to cry — how about you?

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Roxxxy told Ru that he wanted to win as a thick girl, to represent a segment of drag and gay life not often celebrated and, for a brief moment, I disliked him less. And then he talked more.

The next challenge was the courtroom scene in Judge Rudy’s court. Can you guess what happened? If you said that Jinkx was brilliant, Alaska not half bad, and Roxxxy cringe-worthy — then by gum, buy yourself some Cracker Jacks because you win! Roxxxy’s boxxx got in a terrible twist because she’s just not an actress, yet made fun of the other girls’ characterizations. You know what they say — those who can’t do, talk doo doo. And she has no idea what a spit-take is. What is the state of American education today that a drag queen doesn’t know what a fucking spit-take is?!

Back in the work room, Roxxxy protested that he didn’t know that a funny courtroom scene was supposed to be funny. I can totally understand his confusion, what with RuPaul’s Drag Race being the bastion of serious, deep philosophical existentialism that it is. “This is not NCIS,” said Alaska.

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Roxxxy freaked out, saying that he was a SERIOUS queen who takes things SERIOUSLY and that he’s not trying to be all FUNNY with his COMEDY or anything. Oh, for fuck’s sake. Has he ever SEEN THE FUCKING SHOW? The dickhead doth protest too much. “This isn’t a joke to me!!!” he said, and said every sad person who doesn’t get the joke and poops on everyone who does. I just can’t with this queen. The comedienne in me has heard this crap one too many times from vewy vewy sewious peoples who are vewy vewy important. Blerg. I said BLERG, sir!

The next day, this crap continued, with Roxxxy being bitchy and going after Jinkx. Alaska said Roxxxy was a pageant girl, the kind who plays mind games to get your goat before you perform. Okay, fine, but I don’t have to like it, and I am the blogger — what I think is important. Vewy.

In this important judging, there were no guests, only our triumvirate of awesomeness: Ru, Santino, Michelle. This was a crucial runway — the challengers were tasked with wearing their best drag. Roxxxy looked like Roxxxy, only more amazing, in a lime green with purple paisleys sparkly figure-hugging gown and two-tone hair. She looked fierce, although I generally think Roxxxy has no taste. But, I can admire her look, and she was working the shit out of it. Jinkx went lavender fairy princess on us, with a soft blonde wig, crown of flowers, and sexy satin gown. After being criticized over and over for not being glam enough, I think she finally really pulled it off. Alaska went all-white bride of Frankenstein, with a fluffy cloud of hair taller than I am, and a column gown of ivory. She called it “high-fashion ghoul,” and it worked for her in that Alaska way.

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Roxxxy’s judge critique went well, as they praised her sex appeal, if not her stellar acting credentials. Jinkx was lauded for being such a marvelous character actress, and for flawless face at judging. Alaska’s bride of drag getup went gangbusters, and Santino told her that she wasn’t in Sharon’s shadow anymore.

Then it came time to defend their drag lives. Roxxxy said she had grace, beauty, and professionalism and would not let Ru down. Jinkx said that she grew up as an outcast, but came into her own through drag by being true to herself. Roxxxy then apologized to Jinkx on the runway for the nasty thing she said backstage (when asked what her favorite part of being on Drag Race was, Roxxxy said seeing Jinkx in the bottom two). What a giant load of performance art bullshit. Blerg part deux. Jinkx, however, accepted it gracefully. Alaska was the only one to call out the weaknesses of the other competitors, saying, “I take the tragic and turn it into magic!” Quick learner, that Alaska!

In the dramatic finish, all three of our superstahs lip-synched for their liiiiiiives. And for 100K. But mostly their liiiiiiives. The song it all came down to was “The Beginning” by the inimitable RuPaul. What, you thought it might be something else? Roxxxy was mild and pageanty. Yawn. Jinkx was delightfully awkward, pop-tastic, and full of energy. Alaska performed fiercely, but I thought her synch lacked a little.

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When it was all said and sung, Ru had not made her decision. It is up to US, FRIENDS! Yes, us — we must all Tweet to the official Drag Race Twitter account and tell them who should win using the hash tag #DragRace. Also taking votes: facebook.com/RuPaulsDragRace, instagram.com/RuPaulsDragRace, logotv.tumblr.com, pinterest.com/logotv, worldofwonder.net, and getglue.com/RuPaulsDragRace.

Get to it, Persephoneers! And after you do allllllll that, obey Ru when she tells you to “Turn off your god-damned computer and go walk, children, in nature!” Next week will reveal the winner!